Nothing is more insulting to homeless people than camping.

I could be a spokesman for the cigarette brand my mom smoked during her pregnancy...

It's difficult to tell who is a sociopathic killer these days now that handlebar mustaches are out of fashion...

Show me on this Jackson Pollack painting what R. Kelly did to you...

So what the moon is just gonna come back and act like nothing happened?!? I'm calling bullshit!

Whenever somebody "unfriends" me on Facebook, it means that there will be 8 less Bible quotes a day I'll have to read...

Making your Facebook profile pic an image of you & a deer you hunted is the most effective way to confirm your status as White Trash Royalty

Imagine there is no John Lennon

My part-time job is explaining Family Guy references.

I am being kept alive by machines (TV & iPhone)

There is something about a guy in a diesel truck that says "I'm going places" and by "places" I mean "nowhere"...

I bet the Russell Brand & Katy Perry marriage works because they wear each other's clothes...

3 years after a trendy baby's name stops being popular, it begins to become a popular dog name

Waiting for things to download is the new trying to get the plastic wrap off...

I prefer Thanksreceiving over Thanksgiving...

Santa is what Jesus would have turned into had he not stopped smoking pot in his 20s...

If you watch Broke Back Mountain backwards, it's shows that gay guys prefer being married to chicks - @michelebachmann

I can always tell when I'm lying to myself...I don't look myself in my eyes

Remember when The Flintstones met the Jetsons? Well why can't we have Sex & The City Slickers?

There is nothing funny about hitting your spouse, unless you hit them with a whoopie cushion