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Girl, you must be a Google server because I am BEGGING you for direct access.
Girl, you must be Obama because I can't believe what you're doing to me is legal.
Someday I want Microsoft Word to come alive in human form so I can say, in a low voice, "I'm going to murder your whole fucking family."
WANTED: Smart, responsible adult with a fresh parking ticket, a contact lens in just one eye, and nope nevermind I'm good that's actually me
The comment I most often want to make on Facebook is "Ugh. You're just the worst."
I can't believe they made The Santa Clause at a time when you had to buy film for every shot.
It just seems redundant, given that you can’t stop, to say also that you won’t and you don’t stop.
Hell is other parents.
An image-free Wikipedia reader for reading about insects and STDs:
If you would deny people the opportunity to vote in order to win your race, maybe think hard about your commitment to American democracy.
At 3:30 a.m., I convinced somebody on Facebook to reverse his anti-gun-control stance.
KEEP TALKING. Stay calm and use facts.
This is such an easy one. Thirty seconds of logic thinking and a middle-school understanding of geometry tell you exactly where to stand.
I've been plagiarized, at long last!
I'd like to thank my writing teachers, my editors, and my loving wife for helping me get here.
One nation, indivisible, googling "public safety exception."
Hey, too many mobile sites: The “Download Our App!” takeover on you just means I bail without reading whatever article I wanted to see, FYI.