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Someday I want Microsoft Word to come alive in human form so I can say, in a low voice, "I'm going to murder your whole fucking family."
The comment I most often want to make on Facebook is "Ugh. You're just the worst."
I can't believe they made The Santa Clause at a time when you had to buy film for every shot.
It just seems redundant, given that you can’t stop, to say also that you won’t and you don’t stop.
If you would deny people the opportunity to vote in order to win your race, maybe think hard about your commitment to American democracy.
At 3:30 a.m., I convinced somebody on Facebook to reverse his anti-gun-control stance.
KEEP TALKING. Stay calm and use facts.
I've been plagiarized, at long last!
I'd like to thank my writing teachers, my editors, and my loving wife for helping me get here.
One nation, indivisible, googling "public safety exception."
Hey, too many mobile sites: The “Download Our App!” takeover on you just means I bail without reading whatever article I wanted to see, FYI.
The worst thing about 9/11 is that we have to wait another day to hear about the iPhone 5.
Amazed we have any Twitter jokes left at this point.
I wish that, before he died, Steve Jobs could've taken a look at airports for us.
Shut up, every dog.