People are the worst. Am I right, people?

At some point this week I'm going to have to man up and make eye contact with my bank account.

I can't remember the password to my social life.

"You need to get your anger under control." "But then what will my hobby be?"

You're not truly drinking work coffee unless you contemplate death in the 1st gulp.

Why the hell does everyone in the room turn and look at ME when antidepressant commercials are on???

Sexist confession: I'm usually rooting against the women taking the paternity tests on Maury.

Book idea number 157: "Fuck You, I'm Not Paying That For a Blow Job: A collection of love stories."

There is a movie titled CLOWN HUNT. This could be the best or worst thing ever.

"THIS ALL BULLSHIT!" -me, probably reading your Twitter feed

Toby Keith is a musical terrorist.

SPOILER: At the end of Dark Knight Rises we realize Christian Bale's Gotham is a dream world as Michael Keaton wakes from a really long nap.

I don't believe in Hell but if I did it would be a place where I'm trapped in an endless conversation in which I must fake politeness.

Craigslist is great for finding your soul mate. I've redefined soul mate to mean "college student giving oral for a soon to bounce check."

I can't start my car without first muttering a string of profanities at my breathalyzer.

"Not yet!" - This site is so hopeful. http://t.co/eHfGgiVP

Whenever people show me pics of their kids, I login to Favstar and show them my most faved tweets.

For the rest of the day I will only answer to Wolfcock Johnson Commander in Chief.

Seattle's Best Coffee? The best... really? Way to be humble, you arrogant brand of caffeinated swamp water!

I wonder how high the thread count will be on my death bed sheets.