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I wish a door would slam at Microsoft every damn time Windows locks up on me.
I like to complicate things which are relatively simple.
It's kind of my thing.
Christians don't read the Bible because the back cover is too far from the front cover.
It amazes me the same people who tell you who you can and can't have sex with want so desperately to fuck the lower and middle classes.
I feel like I'm getting old every time I sneeze-fart and my dentures fly across the room.
The only things I miss about being young are knee cartilage and knowing everything.
I would like to wish all the dads out there a Happy Mother's Day for enduring 9 months of living with a pregnant woman.
People retweet the weirdest stuff.
If God really wanted to punish Adam & Eve he could've told them they came from the same mother. #MothersDay
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
A belly button ring on a guy is about as sexy as stomach cancer.
To find out who the cool people on Twitter are, just get really busy for a few days & don't star much... then see who's still starring you.
You better have a damn good reason to be using more than one exclamation mark.
Ate a few cheeseburgers & threw the styrofoam wrapping into the ocean before I realized it was both Good Friday & Earth Day. Fiddlesticks!
Yahoo's top news: "Halle Berry stuns in hot pink." That's as shocking as: "Donald Trump steering clear of windy days."
On the drive home, I pulled up next to a Nissan Cube. I got the colors all mixed up but couldn't solve it before the light turned green.
unfollow me right fucking now. If you tweet anti-semitic or racist shit you go! If you retweet tweets from those that do You fucking go
No one is awesome at any one thing all the time, but some people do suck at everything all the time.
The best foreplay is laughter.