Make her pay for dinner. This will ensure a second date because you now owe her money.

There's a luggage store at the airport. Are there really people who go,'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'?

"Love me, hate me - either way you're thinking of me!" - girl nobody has thought about since she peaked in high school

I love the Arby's ads calling out Subway for slicing their meat offsite, bc thats what really matters - WHERE the raccoon meat is sliced.

@drunxican I don't think people realize that every time they say "YOLO" both a puppy and a kitten die. #StayingDrakeFreeSavesLives

Adam Carolla is probably right about women not being funny. I mean, he is THE FOREMOST expert on not being funny.

Just found out Prince is a Jehovah's Witness. So many things are coming together...

I can't tell you when mother's birthday is, but I can ALWAYS tell you all about how Will Smith's life got flipped - turned upside down

If you don't string your string cheese, not only do you not deserve string cheese, you probably don't deserve love or happiness either.

Every time a man says "totes", a gay baby is born.

If you leave a club/bar after 1:00am there's always a girl outside crying. Heads up: She's probably going to be an easy lay.

Had a site design issue, w/out thinking sent a mass email "I think we should separate the whites and the blacks." Look for me on the news.

If you ever see a stranger crying, ask them if it's because of their haircut.

If I was a magician I would shoplift a LOT.

The O and the X in the Jack in the Box logo is actually a Jesus Fish. Seriously. Go look. Now that you know, you'll never NOT see it.

Found out TLC, the network responsible for Toddlers in Tiaras, stands for The Learning Channel. This is why the other countries are winning.

Not A Roofie #CandyHeartRejects

You're not stuck IN traffic, you ARE traffic.

Chinatown pisses me off because everyone speaks Chinese there. It's like, bitch this is AMERICA, we speak SPANISH here. Respect that.

BREAKING: Ryan Seacrest has no alibi for Dick Clark death. Carson Daly does, but police say he's not a person of interest. America agrees.