A garage sale is just your house taking a shit.

We should have Björk translate what the whales are saying.

When will all the senseless violence between orange juice and toothpaste finally come to an end?!

Why are girls always showing off their cameras in front of mirrors?

Homeless people asking for change are the pop-up ads of real life.

Opinions are like assholes, sometimes you get marbles stuck in them and have to go to the hospital.

My sock drawer is essentially a filthy orgy, everyone has been paired up together at some point.

I'm not sure who decided Trojan was a good name for a condom. Didn't the Trojans sneak past the defenses and 'impregnate' the kingdom?

My grandma thinks that the default voicemail recording is my girlfriend.

I bet middle aged cars regret all the bumper stickers they got during their youth.

What the fuck are camels so smug about all the time?

Stop trying to guess what I'm going to type, Google auto-complete. You're not even my real dad!

Moss is the herpes of the tree community.

Zookeepers must feel really awkward inside elephant cages because of all the elephants in the room.

Drug dealing is a great occupation because if it doesn't work out, you can always tutor children in fractions.

I'd be more inclined to trust fortune cookies if they didn't taste like shit.

I'm sick and tired of trees and flowers blowing their loads into the air like they own the place.

Clogged toilets are fed up with your shit.

Why hasn't the government intervened on the monopoly that YKK holds on zippers?

Before I eat a peanut I always make sure it's not wearing a top hat or monocole. I don't want to accidentally murder Mr. Peanut.