Congratulations, motorist! Your car's impressive speaker system has in no way mitigated the fact that you're an asshole.

Brb, gonna go get some #BYU girls expelled.

Columbia football: crossing every line but the ones in chalk.

In retrospect, the French Revolution probably would have gone a lot smoother if everyone had spent less time singing.

Every morning I ask myself three important questions: "what must I do," "what do I want," and "where the fuck are all the clean socks?"

Embarrassing moments in retrospect: that time in the 4th Grade when I told my parents that Pokémon was a lifestyle and not a fad.

Alex Rodriguez complimented me on my @eephusleague hat. I'm fucking styling today.

Ayn Rand and I broke up. She thinks we should see other sheeple.

I feel like we spend too much time talking about how Hooters exploits women and not enough time talking about how Hooters exploits owls.

Please please please let the name "Tequila Mockingbird" be uncopyrighted so that I can use it for a trashy series of pulp romance novels.

Life as a writer: "I've successfully created a vibrant and likeable protagonist. Now what sort of horrible things can I subject them to?"

Dear metabolism: what the hell, bro? I thought you had my back.

Please be aware that the success of "Thrift Shop" does in no way make it cool for you to dress like a homeless person.

Guys, something horrifying just occurred to me: what if WE'RE the hipsters and THEY'RE the young urban intellectuals?

@stevehuff His brain is a writers room where everyone gets included, and there's one guy in the back yelling, "MAKE THEM ALLERGIC TO WATER!"

Successfully rhymed "Jumanji" with "do laundry." Greatest rapper alive status.

Devon: "Mom says she doesn't like @theonion." Dad: "How does she feel about avocados?"

Spent the day in a Starbucks writing a screenplay on a MacBook Air. I've become a caricature.

Upon hearing the neighbors blasting Evanescence, @vividcolor comments, "Wow, that person must have a lot of feelings."

Maroon 5's "Payphone" music video is literally the stupidest piece of trash I've ever seen. This includes "Friday."