how now brown cow is probably not the best way to start my letter to Oprah

so what DO you call a redhead without an asshole? divorced....

my husband said that wasn't a nice place to leave my gum. I told him next time, shave your pubes and give yourself your own blow job.

so I thought I'd try my hand at this no hand typing thing, now I have a snail trail on the keyboard and my clit and fuckflaps are sore

whomever came up with cold hands and warm heart clearly doesn't understand shrinkage or hand jobs

you know I'm really not a bad person, it's that I've been married too long and the doorknobs are starting to look sexy, and whistle at me

I'm not paranoid, but the people watching me are! Have a beautiful evening, make sure you stop to smell the moonflowers.

brushed my teeth and my gums bled, whew, safe for another month....

who the fuck wants to have sex with a footballer, fuck me running backwards...seriously!

maybe I'm being a little critical here but as soon as you said awesome and toodles my lady boner went away

just got done with the obligatory cliche sunday phone guilt trip from mom thing...

fuck you space debris, my ex-husband is still alive...

damn you, autocorrect....wait, we don't have autocorrect...damn you, not autocorrect.....

and if I put my finger right here, it does this...

note to self: I'm not the woman they think I am on Facebook

nothing brings out my crazy aunt's tourette's like farmville

I love watching karma eat judgemental little bitches for a snack.

played with my bulbs this morning, wonder if my naked gardening will finally get my neighbors to quit staring at me from their windows...

you haven't lived until you've been kicked out of Toys R' Us repeatedly for acting out fight scenes from Star Wars movies with pool noodles

things a gynecologist should never utter: this is a good place for a stick-up