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Happy 6013th birthday earth. Hope you don't get anymore wasted than we've already wasted you!
Bitches in Alaska are weird as fuck. Dress weird. Act weird. Look weird. Weird.
Made it to 400 followers before 10,000 tweets. At this rate I'll only need to tweet 24,990,000 more times before I reach 1,000,000 followers
Something I've found to work exactly 0% of the time when fighting with your gf is to ask her "Is it that time of the month?"
Why is boobs good?
RIP Michael Jackson you dead piece of crap. Die die die die you'll never hurt another kid ever again, fucker.
I like my women like I like my wings. Hot, bone in, and covered in tiger sauce. #wingwednesday
Do all black people not have a birth certificate?
I'm always scared creepin through someone's instagrams that i'm goin to accidentally like one. Always when I'm like 73 weeks into their pics
I always tell pilots thanks when Im getting off the plane. I don't know if its really the right thing to say but I think they like it.