Twitter is how my brain jerks off.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you want to blow me.

I feel sorry for the man who'll want to marry @sn00ki. Her pussy has more miles on it than my 1973 Pontiac Ventura.

Grab a can of Crisco. Put your cock in it. Now you know what Snooki's vagina feels like.

When you don't shower, your ass begins to smell like several different shits fighting for dominance.

Hey homophobia people: if a gay man tied you up and blew you, I'm pretty sure that you'd orgasm.

That dark line on your scrotum that also follows the length of your penis? That's where your almost-vagina lips grew together in utero.

I refuse to believe that obese people and I have internal organs of the same size.

If you don't give more money at church, the terrorists win.

God: "Let's give multiple orgasms to the gender with the lesser sex drive."

You see children. I see future drug addicts and prostitutes.

(New followers: please read my older tweets and RT them if you find them funny. Remember that twitter is a popularity contest.)

The more a person isn't me, the less I care about them.

"I'm sure to get mad pussy when I learn how to play this." (Every beginner at the guitar.)

Fuck the homeless. It's not like they ever read this shit anyway.

It's like all the people I follow decided to get together and shit all their tweets at once.

Goddamnit. James Cameron has directed a new movie. This one is about a cave. The last one was a cross between Captain Planet and The Smurfs.

Christians sure do take pride in their humility.

Came across an infant crying. Told 'em to cowboy the fuck up.

Most people never will fuck someone from Australia.