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Stop making fun of Amy Winehouse you jerks. Have some respect, the man is dead for God's sake.
It's not that I'm not funny, I just don't want anyone stealing my jokes.
I don't have kids, so I show people pictures of my semen.
A little toddler smiled and waved hi to me this morning, she was pretty cute but I could do better.
I am now a proud owner of a pet chicken. Her name is Daisy and I'm gonna feed her and love her and OH MY GOD, I just ate her.
It's time to stop writing on Lil Wayne while he's asleep.
My 60-yr-old father just collapsed in front of me. I panicked but remembered it's April Fools' Day. He's still down, now that's dedication.
#People #are #so #going #to #follow #me #after #this.
The girl I've been seeing invited me to have dinner with her family. I was nervous at first, but her husband didn't suspect a thing.
We're broke and now it's hot, the United States is officially a couple of zebras away from turning into the next Africa.
I'm not racist, but black people sure were nicer before the civil rights movement.
My last relationship was extremely complicated, it ended horribly. The most difficult part was making it seem like an accident.
Beastiality makes me sick, I can only do it for so long.
I'm never going to forget my grandmothers' last dying words, "you have... the wrong... room".
Wow, I think I might have written the greatest joke ever told. But first, has anyone ever heard a joke about Mexicans shopping at Borders?
You're hearing it first folks, I'm opening a camp for those in need of a place to concentrate in. Name yet to be decided, any ideas?
This new generation of teenagers wouldn't have sex if they knew what it's like to be woken up in the middle of the night by a Tamagotchi.
I got drunk and robbed a bank a couple of days ago, now I have no idea what to do with all of this semen.
Same sex marriage has been legalized in NY. In related news, I've ran out of excuses to give to my mother explaining why I'm not married.
I was stung by a really smart bee once, on my butt. It was as big as a human being and it ask me if I liked it too! wait... OH MY GOD.
Girls have died of alcohol poisoning trying to make me look like Bradley Cooper.