I wouldn't be lucky enough to die during sex. It would be afterwards... somehow covered in my own semen.

Damn you typos. Way to screw up a epic tweet about Hymens and Teens

Now I know I'm getting old: Instead of grabbing some E to go see DJ Tiesto, I'm thinking I'll grab the kids and go see DJ Lance Rock.

It'd be really funny to have a tweet up on a cruise ship, watching everyone shaking from the withdrawal of not being able to live tweet it.

Should I be worried that my wife has hundred of followers who know more of her sex life then I do?

Why would I want to Twitkiss? I far enough removed that I can ask for much wilder exploits. Where's the Twitfist or Favstarty Sanchez?

I used to be funny but then I joined Twitter. The stage performance anviety has cured me of any funny I had left.

Kirstie Alley dances like Rebecca Black sings. Both make me feel uncomfortable and yet I can't turn away. Oh god make it stop.

@stellartwot It can make you Deaf Leppard

@redwithenvy I would love to be the worst choice you ever made. It would be the best for me though.

Twitter: Where grown-ass adults go for potty jokes and in depth discussions about pubic hair.

Oh my god...what's that smell?.....something is wrong....I need to call the doctor....what is.....oh wait.....yeah..... Asparagus.

@redwithenvy my favorite safe word is "Harder"

>.> Want to screw?
<.< I still have a Fever
>.> I know, it's be like having sex with a Hot Pocket
<.< ....
>.> ....
<.< ....
>.> So..... no?

Me: Your honor, my wife became involved with someone else. Him: Who may that be? Me: All of Twitter. Him: Is she down_to_stars? She's funy

Let's play Words With Friends. My username is 'Dieselvb'. http://bit.ly/dK8DdN

I keep losing followers. Don't you fuckers know I am funny? Oh, you don't? Well, I guess it's ok if you leave. Can I come too?

Yay! Yay! She's not pregnant. We should celebrate by... Oh, yeah. Nevermind

I really wish I had a aerosol deodorant cozy..... No, you scream like a girl.

A, What is a Guest Tweeter? B, What's in it for me? C, What's in it for them? and D, Will I finally become popular and be asked to the prom?