hummus > humans

Step 1) Replace the word "girl" with "squirrel" in every song applicable.
Step 2) Laugh.

Do these boat shoes make me look frat?

I just told myself to act natural and then did a pirouette.

My net worth is approximately two Fall Out Boy CDs

Enough about me, let's talk about my hair.

When a heterosexual man calls me "boss" - instant boner.

I am pretty cool and should be kissed on the mouth more

My boyfriend is a keeper, because he understands that I'm going to tweet at least 3 times before I text him back.

Important: Can my spirit animal be a pastry?

Keep your friends Glenn Close and your enemies Kyra Sedgwick

THE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF! No one liked it on Facebook.

I, like any sensible boy or Spice Girl, just really want a zigazig-ah.

My hair is really messed up. Am I a writer yet?

Straight women: "All the good ones are gay!"

Gay men: "All the good ones are straight!"

It's Monday, not Adam & Steve.

I KNOW IM BEAUTIFUL ONE DIRECTION STOP YELLING AT ME

Taking a hiatus from Twitter for 4 minutes. I'll miss you guys!

I hope to God my life never depends on me having to pitch a tent.

I'm self conscious about using the word "fabulous." Thank you, stereotypes.