If loving Asian porn is wrong, I don't wanna be OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO WITH THAT SQUID?!?!

Sure, she may look great in the bar, but between the push-up bra, spanxx and yoga pants, naked she probably looks like a half melted snowman

Every time a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio, just to show them what I'm capable of

I put my underwear on the same way as everyone else. Underwear cannon.

I am not a 'comedian' nor am I a 'writer'. I'm lucky if I have on matching socks. I tweet because I forget to take my meds and I drink.

Tapping a girl gently on the top of the head during a blowjob is not like a snooze button and will not get you 10 more minutes. FYI

Yes, she's cute but her breath smells like someone put out a tire fire with wet cats

Sometimes the customer isn't right. Sometimes the customer is an idiot. And should go fuck themselves with a railway spike

If you were wondering how many times you can "accidentally" walk into the women's change room at the gym, it's 3. 3 times

I save all negative pregnancy test sticks to make freeze pops with in the summers. I call them "thank godsicles"

Can't sleep. Cocaine is keeping me up. Guy upstairs had it on his stereo, now its in my head. Damn you Clapton for your catchy songs

If you're eyefucking a hot mom and get busted by her teenage son, is it proper etiquette to give him a lil wink and head nod?

I wouldn't know what to do with a vagina if I saw one. I'd probably try to throw my Boba Fett action figure into it

I think I masturbate too much. I just came and a white flag popped out of the end of my dick

I keep a stuffed dead cat on my dresser to remind me to not be curious

I wouldn't say I'm emotionally unavailable, just currently out of stock

I ate a jar of Mac & Cheese today.


No, it doesn't come in a jar, you have to put it there first

Accidentally changed channels and the 'Twilight' movie was on. Long story short, I need a new TV. Mine has a bottle of scotch buried in it

They call it 'morning wood' because 'morning ladder to the gods built from granite and thrust into the sky' has way too many syllables

The only faithful bone that my ex had in her body was mine