Don't forget to write in "KONY" on the ballot tomorrow!

I want to live in a world where your twitter bio is your epitaph.

I hate drama!
-girls who love drama

Bad bacon is like sex. I've never had sex.

0 for 58 on going to guitar center and not listening to a tool play Metallica riffs repeatedly.

Pretty excited about my Smeagol/Gollum impersonation becoming relevant again

It's like people aren't even impressed when I tell them I can make apple slices from scratch

After cleaning my room.
Day 1: This is tidy. I'll keep it this way!
Day 2: I just need a clear path from the bed to the bathroom.

A hipster pours a PBR out for his friend he lost to the mainstream

Maury and Jerry Springer would be so poor if people realized they should get a divorce just for considering going on the show.

If I wanted to serve the devil I think I would start by attending Westboro Baptist Church

Eventually radio stations will brag about playing an entire song without breaking to commercial

When you're a cannibal instagram is like 90% breakfast pictures instead of 70%

Just realized that some poodles are guys

I ask Jeeves every once in a while just to humor him

A Haiku to the girl who lives below me:
Karaoke time
Is not so much fun for me
Consider drowning

Haha "RIP Instagram is trending" sounds like millions of teen photography careers have just been cut short.

Dear Purell,
I couldn't help but notice that your name is missing an 'h'.
Sincerely,
Paper Cut

Updated my twitter app and lost all my drafts :( see you guys on the next social media frenzy

If you average 30+ tweets per day you don't need twitter. You need a therapist.