@dirty's most faved Tweets...
I'm drunk in a garage with white people wearing stone washed jean shorts...this has Ohio written all over it.
Me: "Why are you drinking wine coolers?" Him: "I like them?" Me: "Put your vagina away and get me a beer."
Dear facebook...I want to thank you for making it possible for me to continue hating all the people I have always hated.
I came into work this morning holding 2 coffees & my boss asked me if I "like double fisting". If that isn't a come on, I don't know what is
My daughter says she is going to marry a guy who is nice to her...and not ugly. So it looks like she won't be getting married.
If my husband was that entertaining, I'd be on him instead of the internet right now.
I'm kidding.
Mostly.
I'm kidding.
Mostly.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father's Day.
He said he wanted a blow job.
I told him he is not my dad.
He said he wanted a blow job.
I told him he is not my dad.
Since I was adopted, it only makes sense that when I told my mother I was pregnant, her response was..."How did that happen?!?"
Me:"Every time something goes wrong in my life, I blame my inability to make rational decisions"
Her:"I blame my high school boyfriend Paul"
Her:"I blame my high school boyfriend Paul"
My neighbor is out front with no shirt on. Based on my observations, his wife must have a little bit of throw up in her mouth all the time.
Tonight's episode of Intervention was about anorexia...so instead of binge drinking or smoking crack like I usually do while it's on, I ate.
I wish I could call animal control on humans. I'm pretty sure my neighbors need to go back to their natural environment. A trailer park.
I don't have the patience to teach my 8 year old daughter to tie her shoes. I trust she'll find a nice man to marry who can do that for her.
I love when my kids fight and beat the shit out of each other...it sure does save me a lot of hassle.
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