Sometimes a dog has perfectly floppy ears and you see god.

You and LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE. RT @zodiacfacts
As an #Aquarius you work best when free from emotional tensions and excessive noise.

"You are my favorite weird couple," is a thing I just told two customers because I am a good waitress.

If I consistently pooped the way I do when hungover, I'd weigh 14 lbs.

Maybe I don't want to date. Maybe I just want one of my hot friends to fall in love with me?

Hello, a man just asked me, "Now, who the fuck gets to eat all that pussy?" #happyeaster

Sometimes I feel like Gerard Butler isn't taking this seriously

sometimes you gotta craft with your tits out

HOLY SHIT, @grifflightning, did you know it looks like this: http://t.co/7TNfsH2F

Best part of GATSBY is the beautiful tribute to the Korine/Franco masterpiece that is the "look at all my shit" scene in SPRING BREAKERS.

truly hope everyone who decided to interview those kids gets fired

I found @streetcrow, just crowin on the street. http://t.co/QBFwr9n2

tragedy struck west 26th st today when a young lady's chicken wrap arrived without honey mustard sauce MORE AT 5

My film school education cost $200,000 and today at work all I've done so far is print out invoices for my boss' yard work.

Every time Leo said "Old sport," I could feel a single egg shrivel and die inside my body. #gatsby

someone in the office is singing "god loves a terrier"

Reply-all is a privilege, not a right!!

I will give you 10$ if you toss a comma up onto one of those pepsi "LIVE FOR NOW" billboards.

@lipetress um and you were right about me... I wrote a poem about Chewbacca

Operation: Find A Storm Boyfriend has failed.