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"You are my favorite weird couple," is a thing I just told two customers because I am a good waitress.
If I consistently pooped the way I do when hungover, I'd weigh 14 lbs.
Sometimes a dog has perfectly floppy ears and you see god.
Sometimes I feel like Gerard Butler isn't taking this seriously
Maybe I don't want to date. Maybe I just want one of my hot friends to fall in love with me?
Reply-all is a privilege, not a right!!
sometimes you gotta craft with your tits out
Attn: your snaggle tooth could not be cuter.
Best part of GATSBY is the beautiful tribute to the Korine/Franco masterpiece that is the "look at all my shit" scene in SPRING BREAKERS.
someone in the office is singing "god loves a terrier"
okay turns out we're lucky that my uncle is pretty fast.
boss just sent me an invite to her daughter's 6th bday party with this preface: "shot, shot, shot, shot. And you will get a wig!"
feelin some real saudade for my ability to make myself barf away a hangover
My boss' kid just told me I looked like the good witch from Oz the Great and Powerful... brb celebrating all day.
"Don't go to Pottery Barn, meet a guy on the train who offers to carry your vase home, date for 4 years & have a kid." - boss' dating advice
happy monday! i accidentally threw out the hair dryer of a famous new york film critic this weekend!
Khaleasy like Sunday mornin // Aggressive Cunstitutionalist. ~malaisebian~