"You are my favorite weird couple," is a thing I just told two customers because I am a good waitress.

If I consistently pooped the way I do when hungover, I'd weigh 14 lbs.

Sometimes a dog has perfectly floppy ears and you see god.

Sometimes I feel like Gerard Butler isn't taking this seriously

Maybe I don't want to date. Maybe I just want one of my hot friends to fall in love with me?

Every time Leo said "Old sport," I could feel a single egg shrivel and die inside my body. #gatsby

Hello, a man just asked me, "Now, who the fuck gets to eat all that pussy?" #happyeaster

Reply-all is a privilege, not a right!!

sometimes you gotta craft with your tits out

Attn: your snaggle tooth could not be cuter.

Best part of GATSBY is the beautiful tribute to the Korine/Franco masterpiece that is the "look at all my shit" scene in SPRING BREAKERS.

@jamescrugnale the G isn't a real train

TIPSY AT THE MET #unstoppable

someone in the office is singing "god loves a terrier"

okay turns out we're lucky that my uncle is pretty fast.

boss just sent me an invite to her daughter's 6th bday party with this preface: "shot, shot, shot, shot. And you will get a wig!"

feelin some real saudade for my ability to make myself barf away a hangover

My boss' kid just told me I looked like the good witch from Oz the Great and Powerful... brb celebrating all day.

"Don't go to Pottery Barn, meet a guy on the train who offers to carry your vase home, date for 4 years & have a kid." - boss' dating advice

happy monday! i accidentally threw out the hair dryer of a famous new york film critic this weekend!