Was riding a horse today, fell off and almost got killed! Thank God the walmart greeter saw what happened and came over and unplugged it.

Just moved a vending machine so i could reach my dropped Bugles. So yeah, now I get that whole "mother lifts car to save child" thing

I asked my personal trainer what machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women. He said, "the ATM"

Oh suck it up! I'm BARELY stalking you.

I like to ask my dog "So, what are your plans today?" while I'm getting ready for work to make her feel guilty about still not having a job.

If my tweets don't seem as funny as they used to be, its because I have to take a drug test soon.

This girl at the bar just slapped me for a second time. I swear, she's really starting to risk her chances with me.

I feel like I'm just 3 or 4 good illnesses away from having the body I want.

Oh shut up, rappers. Every single one of us here makes millions and has sex on our yachts. Don't see us bragging and writing songs about it.

I love cheese more than I've ever loved any person.

Did you guys know there are things called "savings accounts"? Like where people make enough money that they can actually save some? Crazy...

Helping my lesbian neighbors fix their sink. If porn is any indication of real life, things are about to get pretty interesting.

Would you rather have your entire family see your google history or see all of your DMs?.... Yeah, I'd pick suicide too.

I'm seeing a lot of motherfuckers acting like they forgot about Dre on here.

I think I just saw a tumbleweed blow across the other side of my bed.

I had cake and cheesepuffs for breakfast. So no, I can't give you any life advice.

The only reason I own a suit is so I can go to cheese tastings and no one suspects that my pockets are lined with Ziplock bags.

I do "Follow Fridays" a little differently. Mine usually start with me finding an attractive woman at the grocery that appears to be alone..

Step 1: Buy guitar.
Step 2: Learn the beginning of Free Falling.
Step 3: Have sex with a different girl every night for the rest of my life.

Yo, chicks that dig bad boys: I just pirated the whole first season of Game of Thrones. Get at me.