If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.

My aunt pulled my hair a little bit when she hugged me. Didnt know what to do so I just whispered "call me".

Single guys want to know what its like to be married? Play an episode of Rosanne at full volume and try to masturbate while crying.

Girls are the most gentle, soft, beautiful creatures that, in an instant, can turn into the scariest thing in the universe & crush ur soul.

I swear to goodness, sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

Is it pronounced "dragon balls" or "dragon ball z"? Either way, my ex wife is a whore.

Why am I the only one at the gym wearing leg warmers & a head band? Come on guys, lets get physical!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Unless she's menstrating & hungry, too, in which case just kill yourself.

Some bad choices ive made:
1. Shitting in a catbox
2. Marriage
3. Most farts
4. Telling a friend im on twitter
5. Masturbating in a canoe

"Let's just be friends" is just a woman's way of saying she'd rather mutilate her vagina with a waffle iron than sleep with you.

This might be a new way of doing math, but the square root of eat shit is go fuck yourself.

Pick a number. Add 10. Divide by 4. Take a shot. Wear a sombrero. Flash a hobo. Go fuck yourself. Merry Christmas.

I'll bet you a Gucci bag full of your moms dildos I have absolutely no idea where this fucking tweet was going.

I just yanked out a nose hair so long, it was connected to my cerebral cortex and now I can smell numbers.

Ever hated someone so much you hope they would get married?

Does masturbating under the jacket on my lap to the girl that fell asleep on my shoulder during my flight count as the mile high club?

Don't talk to me about embarrassment until you scream like a girl and shit yourself at a petting zoo.

Do I have to pay the hooker for the entire hour if im crying the whole time?

My 5th grade teacher had bad breath, saggy boobs and herpes. Home-school was weird that year.

I WILL STAB A MOTHERFUCKER WITH A SCREWDRIVER IF SOMEONE DRANK MY LAST HAWAIIAN PUN oh wait, its right here. Just kidding mom. Sorry.