Helen Hunt’s forehead comes with 3 years free servicing or 5000km of free fuel. It’s your choice

I wish tweet theft was a real thing and someone would steal them all.

What a waste of time.

Judging by the howls of neighbourhood cats and dogs after my singing in the shower, ABBA is still popular.

I don't want to upset your pH balance, so let's keep the food out of our lovemaking.

I mask my pain with masturbation.

First wet fart of the night.

I know how drunk I got by the amount of people I have to refollow the next day.

My wife's friend is praying so hard for Oklahoma on Facebook that Jesus is thinking about unfriending her.

Super cute conversation I just had with my 3 year old: Bring me a beer.

Her lips said, "$12.13, sir," but her eyes said, "I know both of those value meals you ordered are for you, chubby cheeks."

@adambation @discoken Pistachios look like dog toenails!

I don't remember eating Milk Duds last night.

If my older kids knew I referred to my boots as "my kicks" publicly on Twitter, they'd stage an intervention.

If your tweet looks like my tweet, I wouldn't call it "stealing", I would say it's the "remix" version.

If a fart's really loud but has no smell, it's like your butt saying "Ha ha, I cheated!"

Martin Luther King was an incredible civil rights visionary, for a black guy.

4chan is what happens when Urban Dictionary becomes self-aware.

Please don’t try your fancy handshake on me in public.

"I won't stand for drones tracking my movements!" he typed into the cell-phone he carries everywhere.

Fun game: nope, don't know any of those