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  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.

    • 1,697
    • FAVS
    ryan_burtJojo_51213kittenishcutieLorieGZTeriBussartWickedRapunzelNicLove71DadNeverSleeps
    • 1,113
    • RETWEETS
    SGi_FrmaxAJSumnerrJojo_51213kittenishcutieJorden1990rodtopiaFunnyTunesWickedRapunzel
    FudgeRobotdarinlovesbaconlaurascazcholesteroIBurroFumaevaheartsheartsmellimelleryanincopbear79ladyfiredancerEZ_GNotKarmalvvzzmarebytesPoliticallyILL1CroweJamNeutrontrilogyskitzoetteoffsidebastardskullpuppy11SnellWarrenjasonlight73_odlanyeR
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    I swear to goodness, sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

    • 561
    • FAVS
    The_DorksterJojo_51213LorieGZTwisted_MettleFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytesTweetingDadGuy
    • 365
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyrodtopiadd0308DominicCarney99mellimellehimanshu2904annadyer13Jenestyle
    JermHimselfishJaymayAllDaySchmoodles________ScreaminMomX2
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Single guys want to know what its like to be married? Play an episode of Rosanne at full volume and try to masturbate while crying.

    • 795
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213AlexC1971kathybotteasrandy_triskothTwisted_MettleyummycoconutsFRANKSTALICIOUSMindBytes
    • 352
    • RETWEETS
    Jojo_51213ElleneffjeremydrysdalerunawaycupcakeTwisted_MettleBaileysIrishTomshellback624emadjiggy
    llvvzzzManateeJackSarcasmo718JonJon_BrownTheTennisPhenomMattDaddyO________DanTheSnickkamiekaymeejayonguitar
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Girls are the most gentle, soft, beautiful creatures that, in an instant, can turn into the scariest thing in the universe & crush ur soul.

    • 575
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213LorieGZrandy_triskothTwisted_MettleyummycoconutsCompocolypseMindBytesTweetingDadGuy
    • 300
    • RETWEETS
    iheartweeTwisted_MettleTheButchJonesdrealangston16stoopidjohnnymellimellebhaisahiblogandaxx
    jasonlight73Sheena_Bo_Bina
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    My aunt pulled my hair a little bit when she hugged me. Didnt know what to do so I just whispered "call me".

    • 883
    • FAVS
    AllieAJojo_51213darinlovesbaconpamsipesLorieGZTwisted_Mettlecelestinelea90PetersonDonnie
    • 297
    • RETWEETS
    Jojo_51213runawaycupcakerodtopiaFunnyTunesgianny1798GinGanderyummycoconutsDanii_Franciss
    rzaroscoHairyJew4LifeKDsMorningllvvzzzIamEveryDayPplBarebakAssassin
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Is it pronounced "dragon balls" or "dragon ball z"? Either way, my ex wife is a whore.

    • 569
    • FAVS
    AllieAJojo_51213LorieGZTwisted_Mettleameo02MikecanrantyummycoconutsCompocolypse
    • 209
    • RETWEETS
    yummycoconutsTheButchJonesjaslakhmnamellimellelarrygoodlanderBangGangingNatKingKoletoncjcapbt
    WhatsHerFace33
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Pick a number. Add 10. Divide by 4. Take a shot. Wear a sombrero. Flash a hobo. Go fuck yourself. Merry Christmas.

    • 359
    • FAVS
    AndrewShepard86Jojo_51213Twisted_MettleSCBamaManyummycoconutsFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytes
    • 201
    • RETWEETS
    RobbinCarlingdrunkontheice____Jenny4ashleyderrekpcanwalkernOfficialHashtagRhadamanthine11__nettie0918
    JiminyKicksIt
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Unless she's menstrating & hungry, too, in which case just kill yourself.

    • 469
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213Ellani_BelleTeejayRushjoeljeffreyescoryanhockey2mamarandy_triskothTwisted_Mettle
    • 192
    • RETWEETS
    TeejayRushrunawaycupcakeAaheltonAshleeTwisted_MettlebhaisahibIlliter8McDaniel1022eric10F
    kamiekaymeechrisanna4realDanDoofus
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Ever hated someone so much you hope they would get married?

    • 452
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213Twisted_MettleMindBytesmahalo_nerdsmummashorzaroscoCalliejacobson____JosesLovesYou
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    mahalo_nerdsrzaroscosuburbsamquietwhispers42RidiculousSheriScottBerghornBarbaricEric1MarianneACOTA____
    Boobzillazthedayofthedotgreenhell33JaymayAllDayCroweJamjaslakhmna
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    "Let's just be friends" is just a woman's way of saying she'd rather mutilate her vagina with a waffle iron than sleep with you.

    • 461
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213AaheltonAshleeTwisted_MettleyummycoconutsamandamilfFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytes
    • 185
    • RETWEETS
    Twisted_MettlerzaroscoGioSayHeyfingerbangsPartlykiddingSOAP_Opera101____BamDebikinsElGachoki
    GroperClevelanddick_ish
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Why am I the only one at the gym wearing leg warmers & a head band? Come on guys, lets get physical!

    • 576
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213LorieGZmads_messy18Rosie_ZadiniaTwisted_MettleLeriBerisloreasaurusrexMemoryLucas
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    PedroshugtauntirunawaycupcakeRosie_ZadiniaTwisted_MettleShillelagh108LianeFinlayCamel_Crushin
    cholesteroIcholesteroI_odlanyeR
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Some bad choices ive made:
    1. Shitting in a catbox
    2. Marriage
    3. Most farts
    4. Telling a friend im on twitter
    5. Masturbating in a canoe

    • 486
    • FAVS
    Jojo_51213hockey2mamaTwisted_MettleyummycoconutsFudgeRobotCompocolypsehamspamtymaamMindBytes
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    Twisted_MettleSoulYodelerKateroark________cjcapbtlaurascazJenny4ashleyUnlucky_Ninjajergarl
    jjwhalesweinerdog4lifeLisabug74karencreets______
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    I just yanked out a nose hair so long, it was connected to my cerebral cortex and now I can smell numbers.

    • 399
    • FAVS
    Twisted_MettleyummycoconutsFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytesSCBamaManScigglez__________24skidoo
    • 135
    • RETWEETS
    SCBamaMancraigclaytonseabhaisahibIlliter8101RaceyDave_QuintansIVmurderVImigelini1
    seagullskitpurvis06Germsinlaw
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    This might be a new way of doing math, but the square root of eat shit is go fuck yourself.

    • 409
    • FAVS
    Twisted_MettleyummycoconutsFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytesdpbiscuit101RaceyShock_Monster
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Illiter8avinashnaykodiHuajatollaChicBoobzillazcmu_99mwahjtiesBigProcBearslietoo______
    Carter_TCBDtotheJamesSaucy_Mom________
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    I'll bet you a Gucci bag full of your moms dildos I have absolutely no idea where this fucking tweet was going.

    • 398
    • FAVS
    Twisted_MettleyummycoconutsFudgeRobotCompocolypseMindBytesSCBamaManScigglez__________101Racey
    • 123
    • RETWEETS
    Scigglez__________cjcapbtMoeDutch_WestBearslietoo______ZepsBlackDog42headedtospace____GeminiJewJenny4ashley
    KDsMorning
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    I try to live by two rules.
    1. Dont make fun of stupid people (they cant help it)
    2. Dont be stupid (people will make fun of you)

    • 239
    • FAVS
    cjcapbtCompocolypsehamspamtymaamMindBytesLuisXavierkendalltwerkSCBamaMan101Racey
    • 112
    • RETWEETS
    cjcapbtItsBailey1692SCBamaManbulbs71TylerLinkinTioughnioga______LaniBenobradthebuilder____
    circlejokes
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Scares the shit out of blind people when you power wash them.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    SilleViocjcapbtBraxtonBaugh1jojo220204TinMan_2009419BillEAshTheCanuckFatuousFloozy
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    cjcapbtBraxtonBaugh1jojo220204TinMan_2009_coursouvraFatuousFloozyramyaly94Flourgirl81
    weinerdog4lifeLaniBenoninatreemonkey
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Don't talk to me about embarrassment until you scream like a girl and shit yourself at a petting zoo.

    • 342
    • FAVS
    WhoPhardtedBoobzillazThePhoenixO1kwordsworthericsshadowgerry_roulejenoftheforrestonume_
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    WhoPhardtedBoobzillaz1kwordsworthThatDangIndianSwati_Fiercefavstar_historyTwisted_Mettlecraigclaytonsea
    DanDoofus
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Accidentally picked up a can of "Kiss ass" instead of "whoop ass" but let me tell you this, you guys are all fucking beautiful & hilarious.

    • 279
    • FAVS
    curiousteejrunawaycupcakeqqnquiJulia_Mouseymllebeckyrosee_skalaAnschlitzeric10F
    • 100
    • RETWEETS
    financechargee_skalaeric10Fgrown_weary______red_panamaJaeMar68cjcapbtJeanM617
    teddywah
  • discoken
      DiscoKen™ @discoken

    Never thought I'd be naked on a trapeze with a Swedish family, but that was one groupon I just couldn't pass up.

    • 285
    • FAVS
    snewcsssyummycoconutsMrRottenFaceThe_MartiniGirlCompocolypseuncorectedprooffunnybeachgirlbelleriva84
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    SCBamaManThe_MartiniGirluncorectedproofbelleriva84hamspamtymaam101Raceyjunejuly12Black__Elvis
    hamspamtymaamkellysdf
@discoken

@discoken

Not a safe alternative to cigarettes