If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.

Single guys want to know what its like to be married? Play an episode of Rosanne at full volume and try to masturbate while crying.

I swear to goodness, sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

Girls are the most gentle, soft, beautiful creatures that, in an instant, can turn into the scariest thing in the universe & crush ur soul.

My aunt pulled my hair a little bit when she hugged me. Didnt know what to do so I just whispered "call me".

Pick a number. Add 10. Divide by 4. Take a shot. Wear a sombrero. Flash a hobo. Go fuck yourself. Merry Christmas.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Unless she's menstrating & hungry, too, in which case just kill yourself.

Is it pronounced "dragon balls" or "dragon ball z"? Either way, my ex wife is a whore.

"Let's just be friends" is just a woman's way of saying she'd rather mutilate her vagina with a waffle iron than sleep with you.

Some bad choices ive made:
1. Shitting in a catbox
2. Marriage
3. Most farts
4. Telling a friend im on twitter
5. Masturbating in a canoe

This might be a new way of doing math, but the square root of eat shit is go fuck yourself.

Ever hated someone so much you hope they would get married?

Why am I the only one at the gym wearing leg warmers & a head band? Come on guys, lets get physical!

I just yanked out a nose hair so long, it was connected to my cerebral cortex and now I can smell numbers.

I'll bet you a Gucci bag full of your moms dildos I have absolutely no idea where this fucking tweet was going.

I try to live by two rules.
1. Dont make fun of stupid people (they cant help it)
2. Dont be stupid (people will make fun of you)

Never thought I'd be naked on a trapeze with a Swedish family, but that was one groupon I just couldn't pass up.

Accidentally picked up a can of "Kiss ass" instead of "whoop ass" but let me tell you this, you guys are all fucking beautiful & hilarious.

Don't talk to me about embarrassment until you scream like a girl and shit yourself at a petting zoo.

Does masturbating under the jacket on my lap to the girl that fell asleep on my shoulder during my flight count as the mile high club?