@ilikeyouguys hitting my face with a bat will definitely improve my looks

@darinlovesbacon is there such a thing as chaps with an ass?

if you let me see your titties I'll let you pet my dog

Tyler Perry is a billionaire :(

Even if you paint yourself purple & go to a playground full of kids, some fat girl named "Marsha" is gonna fuck you up with a whiffle bat.

@adambation vividly. You're welcome and thanks for that wonderful night!

Do you want to move to Alaska with me, @dandoofus? I'm sure you're way better looking than I. Thanks for the cup, kind sir!

If riding into the bowling alley on a goat wasnt enough, these nipple tassels should really get people talking.

Thanks to @burrofuma for the cup. Really appreciate it, sir!

Yesterday, I met someone so ugly I changed my last name and moved to Alaska.

Spent $60 in 5 min at Target. That's 4 minutes longer and $40 less than the last person I had sex with.

@black__elvis @cheetohface @ninatreemonkey @evaheartshearts thank you Brian... But your dick pics are making me jealous. (keep sending them)

@siamonday I <3 you, sir.

Ever had to shit so bad your back hurt?

When I was younger, mom used to joke that dad needed an erector set. I get the joke now, mom & dad says fuck you.

@flushing_nemo thank you sir. Let's touch each other in sensitive areas and giggle?

I've had 12 packages of Starburst trying to fart in technicolor but my underwear still look dirty brown.

Dear @siamonday,
Thanks for the cup. This is for you,  http://tinyurl.com/meccv9s . Its the best i can do because i suck.