I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

Show me a man who has made a fortune, and I will probably show him my tits.

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

I went to walmart today. I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof. This always happens to me.

I ran out of socks, so I am wearing sock puppets. My feet won't shut the fuck up.

If you have "lady lumps" you should probably get a "mammogram". Just sayin'.

Some one put semen in my coffee. I can taste it. And SOME ONE is getting a raise. This is excellent.

I hate it when people tell me to pull the stick out of my ass. No. I have it there for twisted, perverted reasons, and there it shall stay.

Some girlies look like tousled angels in the morning. I look like Satan's sister, Muriel Stevens. (Satan's last name is Stevens).

Some one on TV just said "massive golden shower". I laughed so hard I peed a little... which is fitting, I suppose.

And out of the grey mist of my eternal loneliness, a figure emerges. It is my neighbor, Steve. He makes me uncomfortable, even in the mist.

Had an interview with the DMV. They told me to gain 100 lbs, lose the cheery disposition and give them a call during menopause.

Dreaming about a casual brunch with a family of extremely sarcastic bunnies. They smoke cigs at the table and make anal sex jokes. so cute.

My husband quoted Rush Limbaugh in an argument with me. Now I am emptying his oreos into the toilet.

"Ooooo look at all the cute little penises! Have you ever seen so many tiny little penises!?" Is why I'm not allowed in the maternity ward.

I deal with my emotions through jokes and humor. I also deal with everyone else's emotions through jokes and humor.

When you reach the end of twitter, you'll encounter a disgruntled clown masturbating into an old tin can. Which is ok, I guess.

Dad: "what does daddy always say?"
Lad: "that I'm the cutest little boy in all of Tokyo"
Dad: "no. I've never said that. Not once."

I was just told that I throw like a girl. It's probably because I fired the softball out of my vagina. It only went like, 50 ft.

I'm way too cranky for the twitter right now. Penis bacon balls pancakes hookers pot hashtag Lindsay Lohan. Assemble your own tweet.