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"Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose.
It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.
I'm, like, 90% certain that Rosie O'Donnell is just Steven Seagal in drag.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
When salespeople ask if they can help me find anything, I say, "my soul mate," then we share a laugh and later I call a sex chatline & cry.
My favorite song about being born in the USA? Probably have to go with "Born in the USA" The part where he says, "Born in the USA," classic!
One of my signature moves whenever I go clubbing is to stand in a corner and never get laid. :(
Hey, dudes that button up their collars but who don't wear ties, way to subtly let the rest of society know that you're serial killers.
Hey, women who claim to enjoy football, I'm not entirely sure what your end game is, but I've got my eye on you.
"Greyhound. Because at some point in your life, you made a series of pretty bad decisions."
There was a time when caller ID wasn't a thing? You people actually answered your phones all willy-nilly like that, you bold motherfuckers?!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Bet I'd be getting better customer service from this pretentious Macy's cashier if she knew I was the Assistant Fire Chief in The Sims.
Hey people with jobs, I'm going to a bar when it opens in about two hours. Hope you enjoy your copy of the Wall Street Journal or whatever.
How much hair do I have to lose before I’m legally required to join a bowling league?
Field sobriety test: Try not singing “Sweet Caroline.”
In HOME ALONE where he asks the cashier if the toothbrush is ADA approved, she should've said: "Don't worry, you'll be on meth in 10 years."
I just set my alarm clock to 3.00 pm, because it's good to have goals in life.
Not sure about y'all, but "Funky Cold Medina" is my favorite song about a dude slipping a bunch of chicks and a she-male the date rape drug.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
KSU comm./media studies student trying to get this killer voice on the radio. Some people think I’m funny. God isn’t mad at you; never has been, never will be.