"Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose.

I'm, like, 90% certain that Rosie O'Donnell is just Steven Seagal in drag.

One of my signature moves whenever I go clubbing is to stand in a corner and never get laid. :(

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

When salespeople ask if they can help me find anything, I say, "my soul mate," then we share a laugh and later I call a sex chatline & cry.

My favorite song about being born in the USA? Probably have to go with "Born in the USA" The part where he says, "Born in the USA," classic!

Hey, dudes that button up their collars but who don't wear ties, way to subtly let the rest of society know that you're serial killers.

"Greyhound. Because at some point in your life, you made a series of pretty bad decisions."

Hey, women who claim to enjoy football, I'm not entirely sure what your end game is, but I've got my eye on you.

It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

There was a time when caller ID wasn't a thing? You people actually answered your phones all willy-nilly like that, you bold motherfuckers?!

Bet I'd be getting better customer service from this pretentious Macy's cashier if she knew I was the Assistant Fire Chief in The Sims.

Hey people with jobs, I'm going to a bar when it opens in about two hours. Hope you enjoy your copy of the Wall Street Journal or whatever.

How much hair do I have to lose before I’m legally required to join a bowling league?

Not sure about y'all, but "Funky Cold Medina" is my favorite song about a dude slipping a bunch of chicks and a she-male the date rape drug.

I just set my alarm clock to 3.00 pm, because it's good to have goals in life.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"

Field sobriety test: Try not singing “Sweet Caroline.”

Pretty sure if I had a theme song that played whenever I talked to women it'd be the "Super Mario Bros." game over music.

In HOME ALONE where he asks the cashier if the toothbrush is ADA approved, she should've said: "Don't worry, you'll be on meth in 10 years."