Don't listen to your heart, it's stupid as fuck.

I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

Just kicked my dog for not being a dragon.

"The guy at the first window called you a little bitch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

I wish I could put "it's obviously a fucking joke" under every tweet, because some clowns still don't know what party they are at.

Having a dick & banging women doesn't make you a man. Having a dick, banging women & forgetting important birthdays makes you a fucking man.

Just held this hookers' hair back when she was snorting some cocaine, for those of you who think chivalry is dead.

Having kissed over 3 women, I think I know a thing or two about being a player.

Fuck Twitter crushes, I'm looking for a nemesis.

I like my women like I like my tweets. Short and filthy.

I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

Not to make all the guys on here jealous, but I'm pretty phenomenal at getting into the friend zone with women I'm in love with. Recognize.

Flirting? What are we 14?

Wrap your legs around my neck.

This girl text me saying: "Never text me again, you fucking creep". Clearly she wants me to call her instead.

If you're new to Twitter, RT, or else people will complain. But, not too much or other people will complain. But, we don't give a fuck.

Waldo has like, the shittest parents ever.

Let's make some terrible mistakes and tweet about them.

Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.

Ok, I have to ask: If you don't cut your sandwiches into triangles, how many people have you killed, you fucking savage?