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Don't listen to your heart, it's stupid as fuck.
I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.
"The guy at the first window called you a little bitch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.
Just kicked my dog for not being a dragon.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Having a dick & banging women doesn't make you a man. Having a dick, banging women & forgetting important birthdays makes you a fucking man.
Having kissed over 3 women, I think I know a thing or two about being a player.
I wish I could put "it's obviously a fucking joke" under every tweet, because some clowns still don't know what party they are at.
Just held this hookers' hair back when she was snorting some cocaine, for those of you who think chivalry is dead.
Fuck Twitter crushes, I'm looking for a nemesis.
The only thing that impresses me anymore is kindness.
I like my women like I like my tweets. Short and filthy.
I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.
Flirting? What are we 14?
Wrap your legs around my neck.
Not to make all the guys on here jealous, but I'm pretty phenomenal at getting into the friend zone with women I'm in love with. Recognize.
This girl text me saying: "Never text me again, you fucking creep". Clearly she wants me to call her instead.
Waldo has like, the shittest parents ever.
If you're new to Twitter, RT, or else people will complain. But, not too much or other people will complain. But, we don't give a fuck.
Let's make some terrible mistakes and tweet about them.
Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
The Darling of Twitter. Moment Killer. Bloodthirsty. Charming
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