While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I've quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must've been for that guy.

Someone should open a bar called "The Gym", so when I tell people where I'm going, it won't be a lie.

More men would use nail files if they were called "sandpaper sticks".

Dude, your last tweet was really funny. I think you've been hacked.

My To Do List for tonight:

1. Do a little dance
2. Make a little love
3. Get down tonight
4. Say goodbye to your mom

If you don't have anything nice to say, I'll follow you on Twitter.

When one of my Tweets doesn't get the proper attention I had expected, I assume that it must've been way too intellectual for you idiots.

If I ever tweet "SOS. I'm stranded on a deserted island!", please star it first, then RT it, and then send help.

I'm the hottest person at this Waffle House right now.

One time my car broke down near a Domino's & I needed to get home, so I ordered a pizza & hitched a ride to my house with the delivery guy.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Somewhere there's a dragon with a girl tattoo.

I'm wearing my edible underwear today, so hey everybody, lunch is on me!

A lady I work with still has the "Rachel" haircut, but I don't think she has any Friends.

Someone call Mythbusters! I just confirmed that the neighbor's cat does NOT have 9 lives.

It's not that I have a lazy eye, it's just that my other eye is an overachiever.

"Hey batter, batter, batter, batter! Hey batter, batter, batter, batter!" -- Me, making pancakes.

Masturbating for seven days straight, makes one weak.