Bands, when posting flyers.. Post at shoe stores. Why? Fact: Most music fans also wear shoes... Trust me.

Amazing. Now I'm surfing the Internet on both my phone & computer at the same time. I'm like an Internet ninja right now.

Twitter: "Keeping the streets safe by keeping the stalkers at home in front of computers." Btw, I'm over here now.

Ever get the feeling that your next tweet will be from the ER?

...Anyways, I'm about to go big game hunting with this grenade I found

In school, English teachers always hated me, I never quite understood the rules of the comma,

HR,

Though you failed to change my job title to my suggestion, it will still be in my email signature.

Thanks,
Daniel
Awesome Office Guy

Ice cream pretty much never expires, right?

Asking for me.. And you.. And you.. And you.. But not you, because you'll eat anything.

If the penny my mom swallowed ever shows in a future colonoscopy, the bill better be $0.01 less.. I mean, talk about paying through the ass

Never judge someone solely by their avatar... For instance, I'm really a hobo with a cell phone.

Well, I'm off to clip my toe nails now... You know, so my shoes will fit.

2 hrs into 2010 & still airing the sad animal commercial w/ Sarah McLachlan.

For the record: I wasn't crying. I had something in my eye.

OH YEAH! While you people are enjoying your new snuggies, I'm using my lump of coals to build a fire equal to the warmth of 1,000 snuggies!

Twitter: "Helping you seem more important than you really are since 2006."

My only New Year's resolution is to finally beat a grizzly bear in hand-to-claw combat.

Oh! And to not lose as much blood as last year...

I bet the "T" in T-Pain stands for tummy. It's a name that everyone can relate to, bc we've all had tummy pain at some point in our lives.

So I just dropped this peanut M&M on the floor.. Is the 5 sec rule in regular time, or guy time?

Seems like the only funny jokes on here contain immature uses of words like: penis, vagina, dildo, fu.. HAHAHA! Oh I see now.

Atfer reading some of your tweets, I've desided that some of you basterds need to use splel check.

Warning!!! Microwaves WILL NOT play music if you put a cd in there!!!

Great. After changing it yesterday, I came in today & forgot which object on my desk I chose to be the new password.