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It burns when I pee on the stove.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must check out a few dozen romance novels from the library, then insert a pube into each.
Catching your pubes in your fly sucks.
Leaving your fly down so the sun reflects off your guy-vajazzles is totally awesome.
I too, feel liberated when not wearing a bra.
What's the plural of Xanax? God, I should know this. Anyway, I've had 4 this shift so I've decided to spend the rest of it in the stairwell.
So, if there's ever a ladle in the sink you're about to pee in, take it out first.
I pay the cleaning lady a little extra each week so she can bob for apples in the bathtub.
You know, while I'm in the tub with the apples.
In DC today for the 101st Annual Meeting of the American Association for Cancer Research.
Boy is it hard to bum a smoke off these creeps.
I can put my junk through 6 bagels.
Checking on a few patients in the psych ward today. I stopped by the petstore to grab a few snakes on my way in. Secret snakes!
May have lost my residency. May have set my apartment on fire. Spent the last week in jail. On the plus side, I am now someone's wife.
In all the years I've been caring for and treating my patients, only twice have I dropped steamed broccoli with cheese sauce on them.
Take 2 of these and call me in the morning.
"What? Whose kids are these?"
Hey. I'm the fucking doctor here, lady.
Yellow food coloring in the intravenous drip.
Where do I come up with this stuff?
Turn your head. Cough. Good. Other way. Great.
Now put this fake shark fin on and go duck behind the examination table.
Delivering pizzas is a lot like delivering babies. Everyone gets pissed when you show up late or eat the pizza.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, ma'am, but you have a tiny banjo growing inside of you.
I never get mad at shitty customer service representatives.
I just shave my ass into an envelope and mail it to their supervisors.
My office really shouldn't have couches. By the way, if you do visit, please don't sit on the one by to the door. You'll see what I mean.
I always win at stool-specimen shuffleboard in the Alzheimer's unit.