Dogs writing in a Hello Kitty diary, "I have contemplated infinity."

Dogs bursting into a classroom with a bag full of failed adult relationships and declaring, "I HAVE BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS."

Dogs whispering ominously to a driving instructor, "I do not need to learn how to stop."

Dogs complaining that any sufficiently advanced hangover is indistinguishable from the mundane horror of consciousness.

Dogs wondering aloud after years of confoundment, "What's so raven?"

Dogs supposing that to have ninety-nine problems aggregately constitutes another, one hundredth problem.

Dogs loving you, easily, because you're beautiful.

Dogs smashing an abacus, demanding, "Are numbers even real??"

Dogs coughing out a cloud of marijuana smoke and giving you vague, incomprehensible directions to Sesame Street.

Dogs living your same life exactly, only mysteriously happier.

Dogs explaining that in the Southern Hemisphere, your life spins in the opposite direction when it spirals out of control.

Dogs placing duct tape firmly over your mouth and proclaiming, "Our storm preparation is complete."

Dogs writing in a Hello Kitty diary, "Life is pain."

Dogs randomly pointing into a crowd and declaring, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you."

Dogs confessing with a last gasp at the moment of death, "It was Maybelline."

Dogs railing, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT," and then muttering softly, "We're probably going to take it."

Dogs waking during heart surgery and mumbling, "Last Christmas I gave you my heart," as the surgeon nods and sheds a single tear.

Dogs lifting your head off the floor and eating your face, whispering, "Five second rule."

Dogs writing in a Hello Kitty diary, "Brunch was a nightmare."

Dogs declaring, "I'm not a feminist, but—" and swallowing a grenade, adding, "I HAVE SECONDS TO LIVE."