Proposed bill will allow gov to read our texts, emails, web searches and listen to our phone calls? We must fight this to the death.

Hey @joey7barton I missed the game, how did it go?

Samantha Brick is on This Morning. I am sitting by my television, naked with a huge erection and a pot of lubricant at the ready.

Disaster- pandas fail to mate. Apparently they need to arouse the male- step forward Samantha Brick

no better advert for Fundamental Christianity than the moron who went mental in Norway #religionisfortwats

Am I alone in thinking that Frankie Cocozza is an enormous cock?

Excellent- the racist bastards, Dobson and Norris finally get their come-uppance in court for killing Stephen Lawrence- I hope they rot

I have just filed for divorce and put my kids up for adoption. The reason? The vain hope that I might one day meet Samantha Brick.

Ed Miliband defends his "Bob Holness "Blackbusters" gaffe- he has been taken out of context- he was referring to 18th century gameshow

if you only do one thing today....then you're not very busy. Read this http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html I was just crying with laughter

Anybody spot a blue fiat bravo, reg no CT07 BHU in Swindon or Reading area. It is stolen please call police.pass this on

"Unison seeking legal advice over Clarkson comments" For fuck's sake- get a fucking life....

@twitter This twitter account has been set up @deathtojolykids I would like it closed down and whoever set it up reported to the police

apologies to all racist scum I've upset tonight- must be a tough night for you with two mates about to be locked up for life

racists are just angry losers looking to blame other people for their own desperate failures

Woman in blue talking about having thrush in Tenerife http://t.co/12BxAXRE

Found wi-fi in the Congo- checked three places now- they bloody lied to us- nobody drinks Um-Bongo

Have absolutely packed the garage with jerry cans full of petrol. Having a last day of summer barbecue tonight. What could go wrong?

Nicola- "i'm a secret feminist" is the funniest think I've ever heard on TV

Frankie Cocozza kind of reminds me of a dirtier (as in nits) Pete Doherty- living the "dream" before he's produced the goods