@donchiefnerd's (Don Henry) recent favourites. See who @donchiefnerd favs the most...
Butter my butt & call me a biscuit, although that really seems like a waste of a perfectly good dairy product.
@abigvictory So you say you want to be nice to everybody, but I ask about Meatloaf and you say you won't… do… that?
7
Hope I live to see the day when American Apparel offers shirt sizes other than “Tent” and “Put Down The Cheese Stick, Fatty.”
@beep
The smell from the kitchen makes her swoon. She watches him, naked under the apron, chopping parsley. This is going to really hurt, he says.
10
I think salespeople at this store wear all black so that they can disappear into the background like puppeteers.
14
"You're still faxing documents? Jesus, that's archaic. Do you write the cover sheets in the blood of your vanquished foes, too?"
my grandma keeps telling me I'm "just like my dad."
...which is why I'm guessing she won't let me breastfeed anymore.
god growing up sucks.
...which is why I'm guessing she won't let me breastfeed anymore.
god growing up sucks.
Despite my efforts to behave, "Wow Karen, you look appropriate today!" still landed me in hot water with HR.
10
The lady in front of me in the checkout lane has a Nickelback ringtone.
Nickelback.
Nickel. Back.
Please send bail money.
Nickelback.
Nickel. Back.
Please send bail money.
I'm in one of those moods today where I want to be nice to everyone. I need to rectify this situation.
12
NEWS ALERT: POLAND INVADES VIRGINIA.
One moment.
CORRECTION: Poland Spring enters a vagina. We return to your douche, already in progress.
One moment.
CORRECTION: Poland Spring enters a vagina. We return to your douche, already in progress.
3
Once I find what I've been looking for, I always look in one more place just so I can say it wasn't in the last place I looked.
I hate jogging past school bus stops because I thought I left getting laughed at by high schoolers behind when I turned 35.
I appreciate you flashing your headlights to offer greater visibility but at the speed I'm going, my own headlights are sufficient. Thanks.
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