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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,453
    • FAVS
    limesinkKenPowell252dreamthievinMeghanOBstabenowccortnyblhankitelluhwutBenjaRoe
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    stabenowc_H_A_G_RShelbyxlouiseMattLang4Lmagkantot_AlesandraYunmmorowitzmitdasein
    theshantillyquickpooperRatCasketThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,731
    • FAVS
    KenPowell252dreamthievinMeghanOBVioletThunkmhefflinYer_ActualGTCvagtalkedroso
    • 1,011
    • RETWEETS
    einsteinsarcadeAlesandraYunketut113GraphiteWebMrsBlinklemitdaseinkasumuni_LifeSucks1789
    GarbageMysticJerryThomasVerlierenixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,814
    • FAVS
    limesinkindelibleWingsabbyryderSPSSSmatt100596AFarisAziziLukeGuilmetteWhiskeyClit
    • 866
    • RETWEETS
    radicaljocy5L4Y3R666ExitThaWarriortheverbalEMPLumpyCatFaceJurelo_chapmanj100LetMicahDown
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandRitleySammichLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 1,393
    • FAVS
    limesinkFlexiLexiBwithachainsawpajaytedsfeverscowlunbub_milkin_hunniestyranosex
    • 1,229
    • RETWEETS
    Steventiuspajaytedsoneawkwardchicktyranosexlucasmillerwsuanderson_jessjae92_coolgrrrl
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,954
    • FAVS
    limesinkindelibleWingszomgmouseradicaljocydreamthievinGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoins
    • 664
    • RETWEETS
    yass196Music2baptworadicaljocyTheNewDomShowMcMiserableJustFollownRTmadsurritoHeltonKGoins
    jaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,757
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoinsthoai3000KhrisWarholICountBeanssprodigis
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    SexxxyReddd09JustFollownRTLaPorte_DanielEelijahJordanthoai3000KhrisWarholcanadianatlargeMHanson62
    blopt101Raceypudding_clubrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You guys ever party with bugs

    • 1,499
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleynataliehall2549brallonXrydenmaeve113Michael_Erhartbasscalthmaddiepreciadomaiavincent37
    • 530
    • RETWEETS
    basscalthaltmgcmychemicalphxn1eleesanwJustFollownRTTigressofZodhestitantalienintheiero
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 1,347
    • FAVS
    babyelephantmanNotOwenMeanyMeghanOBJNo420A_DewwchampagneshauteFLIRTGODkirby_delauter
    • 643
    • RETWEETS
    MsOlga21AllyTheJediJen_BunTheNewDomShowMeghanOBstrtnoakmontIAmKashWahDorian_Grazy
    VenusRockHobbit__Benesh_RockabillyJay
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,513
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyExitThaWarriorkarachezfunnyasfartstheverbalEMPAtomic_Mollydrgreenthumbs13flatbillybarou
    • 406
    • RETWEETS
    theverbalEMPdavidwgallNevil1950drgreenthumbs13flatbillybaroudreamthievinestattinkrishna_van
    Michael_ErhartWigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,282
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyWorldTraipser3dreamthievinchriswindeyershelbycozartGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTPeteHoffman
    • 595
    • RETWEETS
    dearcalleBerlininatorJustFollownRTPeteHoffman88shenanigansPS_IRuddYoubiancuhbAtSignMaude
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,549
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleydreamthievinGoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTjackpmgdavidpecarcanadianatlarge
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTBonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanI_Am_IRONSTARKHuajatollaChicNeuronicism
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess

    • 1,114
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyKenPowell252dreamthievinred_spreadPugnaciousJoneshuffletoughlosingthymeMartinKSullivan
    • 622
    • RETWEETS
    rawrkevaSapCoolDadTheNewDomShowlosingthymeEvieOsullivan1alllierhone_xpppoooojaaaaJothySohni
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,334
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyKenPowell252weldy930itskushathonPassions_Love4KnrhockeyJogrerollJemill13
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    Passions_Love4Knrhockeycub1fan1962JogrerollJemill13DahFahQusayJustFollownRTliftyourlife
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysCamusOverEasySmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,112
    • FAVS
    KenPowell252ExitThaWarriordrgreenthumbs13MadddicakesAbbieleeveinyouPDitz34barbieheeremaatters1000
    • 464
    • RETWEETS
    leocardz24framesblogdavidwgallchoccybizzleAwichPatdreamthievinTheNewDomShowacciofollowersx
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You can't spend your whole life gently rollerblading away from your problems

    • 903
    • FAVS
    mikemaryanoffhiitsmollyCheeseboy22jcbilyeeregularjeff420DangOlWillpaulesquirealf81305774
    • 504
    • RETWEETS
    soljayneEggMcMoricSeanCochranmikemaryanoffKeeKeeliamag_jrregularjeff420DangOlWill
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 963
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyGoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTdreamthievinHahaKissKisskrishna_vanrabbithole423
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    McMiserableJustFollownRTughHugsnatangueJRrabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedelia
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_JiminyKicksItchuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 919
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyGeorge_Cloney1mckee_savvstabenowchankitelluhwutTracybirdjustinwilson405magkantot_
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    kyle_khanhstabenowcmydearaspenCharlietwimcWeTheJessihopehackneyHanlonymousStephie_Lark
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 1,014
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyJakeEuhusreagan_laineAlexBertschhannahew32Ryan_DuncanHugh_Mongouspooitsmetessaok
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    AllWantSunchipsyel_julienehannahew32aezebnitsmetessaokthereisnodog77keepdancingjschwab1978
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 948
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleydreamthievinPanicRestroomJustFollownRTdavidpecargoodtimenoelkrishna_vanJohn26649305
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    natangueJRParadis_JaneTeeJayRushWhimsical84fuzypeachhansgullicksonIsimiezJenk3
    m0hammedwarsame
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.

    • 863
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyGoldenSpiralscrashedbubbaJustFollownRTPS_IRuddYoujumpdasharkprodigisdavidpecar
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTsassieclassis__soulpxnkeraCaitDillondengekixenahypnoticspxlls666Bad_Wolf777Katieingham4
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name is Donni Saphire. I do standup in dark bars and basements. I have a podcast called Mistakes. I have a walrus. Like me now before I get too popular

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