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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,427
    • FAVS
    OutOnTheMoorsBlunderingIdiomTheSpecialDavespidr2ybananaGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTKhrisWarholDigitalArk
    • 625
    • RETWEETS
    OutOnTheMoorsBlunderingIdiomTheSpecialDaveTrueQuixotenotperfect_gurlAlbitulunhisk8uglyskull_JustFollownRT
    shashaintlquickpooperRatCasketThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,714
    • FAVS
    AFrancesa2dvfelarcacarastombockajchoudhurytypes4lifeSqueeGenerachelplass50VeraCirlugea
    • 1,005
    • RETWEETS
    KlaangThrillinDCprincefilthgetoffmyJochhimynameiswinryKodyRogersPrison__MikeSuhleeeese
    GarbageMysticJerryThomasVerlierenixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,949
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoinsCrawford_JPomegrenede__Hi_I_DontCare__KhrisWarholDigitalArk
    • 659
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTmadsurritoHeltonKGoinsmikeymaynard__KhrisWarholPaleoCatLadyTeejayRushshwebby3
    jaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,767
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkvehar_teresadanger_spouseJustFollownRTBillyScafuriChrlsGrnbrgKellblanch22justKilie
    • 839
    • RETWEETS
    renniewritesdanger_spouseTheeNateBlackfazmatic9mae_marsdi0__0ibKhrisWarholmikewaldron115
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandvaporcoffinLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 1,246
    • FAVS
    Michael_Erhartfuddlemarktchasetweetsluvsme23thePorkPrincessmegmacsMissBamantha1thornlordslady
    • 1,145
    • RETWEETS
    thePorkPrincessclaudiacmchxamaxhcavivadetroit57regAnnieDanzbutterrcupWeston_Silver
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,756
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoinsthoai3000KhrisWarholICountBeanssprodigisdavidpecar
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    SexxxyReddd09JustFollownRTLaPorte_DanielEelijahJordanthoai3000KhrisWarholcanadianatlargeMHanson62
    blopt101Raceypudding_clubrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You guys ever party with bugs

    • 1,498
    • FAVS
    brallonXrydenmaeve113Michael_Erhartbasscalthmaddiepreciadomaiavincent37playmusicsmilewestwoodfezzes
    • 530
    • RETWEETS
    basscalthaltmgcJess03872064eleesanwJustFollownRTTigressofZodMYCHEMlCALCALUMicyiero
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 1,346
    • FAVS
    chrstphrwngIAmKashWahDorian_GrazyMichael_Erhartfuddlemarkpierson109david_tullWildeThingy
    • 641
    • RETWEETS
    IAmKashWahDorian_GrazyerhumbleOL_K_RIDDLEGrizzlerocaseyykellysomerandomllamaDaPetrosky
    VenusRockHobbit__Benesh_RockabillyJay
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,503
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTDigitalArkMacKooliodavidpecargoodtimenoelnishadtrivedicanadianatlargeFaisalsarwar
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    estattinkrishna_vanComedians4CParadis_Janeeborg01iwearaonesieDingliTweetsPS_IRuddYou
    WigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,278
    • FAVS
    shelbycozartGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTPeteHoffmanhythemafiaPS_IRuddYouKhrisWarholsorina_xo
    • 595
    • RETWEETS
    dearcalleBerlininatorJustFollownRTPeteHoffman88shenanigansPS_IRuddYoubiancuhbAtSignMaude
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,547
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTjackpmgdavidpecarcanadianatlargeBonjohhkennymleko
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTBonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanI_Am_IRONSTARKHuajatollaChicNeuronicism
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,332
    • FAVS
    weldy930itskushathonrose_hybridKnrhockeyJogrerollJemill13ninjamoose101DahFahQusay
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    rose_hybridKnrhockeycub1fan1962JogrerollJemill13DahFahQusayJustFollownRTliftyourlife
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysCamusOverEasySmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess

    • 1,080
    • FAVS
    minority723sarahjerriheidi_thehottieCourttneyLeigh1janinebolanosheathpulliamOfCourseToreyanthony_yasso
    • 607
    • RETWEETS
    _norahgreenTreyJacobsenCharelixcatgirI98royroarlmaookeMmiazz__alyssaxhugsx
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,107
    • FAVS
    barbieheeremaatters1000deanfortythreeitsfrodopanzertronZGhaoNjsalowemitdasein
    • 457
    • RETWEETS
    acciofollowersxApathTeajsalowemitdaseinshaunburtondumbEmilyGonzalez14ayeecanadiannComedians4C
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 962
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTdreamthievinHahaKissKisskrishna_vanrabbithole423KristieKane72____
    • 340
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTughHugsnatangueJRrabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedelia__OutOfLeftField_
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_JiminyKicksItchuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 917
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkLauraMae314159GoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTliftyourlifesplooskHome_Halfwayprodigis
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    olicassidyJustFollownRTgefiltecatButtvizjumpdasharkDenverForDinnerRyan_Man2THEJaimeSantos
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 1,013
    • FAVS
    JakeEuhusreagan_laineAlexBertschhannahew32Ryan_DuncanHugh_Mongouspooitsmetessaokpraisekay9
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    yel_julienehannahew32aezebnitsmetessaokthereisnodog77keepdancingjschwab1978brooke_duuude
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 945
    • FAVS
    JustFollownRTdavidpecargoodtimenoelkrishna_vanJohn26649305Paradis_JaneButtvizGenevieve0404
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    natangueJRParadis_JaneTeejayRushWhimsical84fuzypeachhansgullicksonIsimiezJenk3
    m0hammedwarsame
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.

    • 862
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralscrashedbubbaJustFollownRTPS_IRuddYoujumpdasharkprodigisdavidpecardreamthievin
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTsassieclassis__soulpxnkeraCaitDillondengekixenahypnoticspxlls666Bad_Wolf777Katieingham4
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.

    • 880
    • FAVS
    FunnyBoneClubsGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTDetroitGirl_ludusaitplainjane9erPS_IRuddYoufjmikac
    • 161
    • RETWEETS
    HpauliiiJustFollownRT1dayDammitDetroitGirl_Kalina_Officialplainjane9erPS_IRuddYoudarlingshelly72
    fred_dogMiketheSourcer
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name is Donni Saphire. I do standup in dark bars and basements. I have a podcast called Mistakes. I have a walrus. Like me now before I get too popular