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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,512
    • FAVS
    buck4ittJimboleem_troyjohnsonli4mst3w4rtKareigilizprobablyadogm_adams1721debwtf
    • 662
    • RETWEETS
    EmmySLHollyMemphisconstantlyjoshAlexioDelGobboprobablyadogPhineasTPruneGarthGreen13WitmerEric
    constantlyjoshtheshantillyquickpooperRatCasketThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,772
    • FAVS
    buck4ittJimboleemfaheemah__xemelinakatieannamorristaisiarblinzim92william_daw
    • 1,037
    • RETWEETS
    Raydon_JaimeitsconnorrrashishsevenneuroticnihaadMackaelaMaerossmartin__Julianaisokabbi_gabbi
    GarbageMysticJerryThomasVerlierenixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,872
    • FAVS
    FineThingsNLifeJimboleemAnitaNelsonleahmchughW3kiittenistaranndrewredherringbearFolowersRus115
    • 911
    • RETWEETS
    DutchticaconstantlyjoshFUNNAGANidunowhoabrianmcpseudo_fredPaulHiggitt1justkidddddding
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandRitleySammichLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 1,491
    • FAVS
    SaraCVTj_freundchronicallyfab1JUDYDESJARLAISJimboleemKishfymatt_jarosz44leasdof
    • 1,276
    • RETWEETS
    j_freundpapadamgirlhardkorahDaJobesrolandgongitiswinstondominicsjrHunterStith
    jakegunst
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    PaulPklaichJimboleemGiftedNappermatthewverygoodBrdnHatesYouvckindron_troyjohnsonthemiltron
    • 669
    • RETWEETS
    0BGAYDusty_Knackerssateayam_troyjohnsonbandanacIiffordyass196Music2baptworadicaljocy
    _troyjohnsonjaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,761
    • FAVS
    JimboleemsandwichJOY_troyjohnsonthemiltrondreamthievinGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoins
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    SexxxyReddd09JustFollownRTLaPorte_DanielEelijahJordanthoai3000KhrisWarholcanadianatlargeMHanson62
    blopt101Raceyseanxolearyrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You guys ever party with bugs

    • 1,502
    • FAVS
    JimboleemthemiltronjakegunstDanKCharnleynataliehall2549brallonXrydenmaeve113Michael_Erhart
    • 531
    • RETWEETS
    0BGAYbasscalthaltmgcchemicllyhowelleleesanwJustFollownRTTigressofZod__fckedcal
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 1,378
    • FAVS
    penismushroomHollyMemphisharryyip97JimboleemJakeEuhusmakerprojectsCAMYEDELCYRUSgijoemc
    • 655
    • RETWEETS
    AugustVeryOwn20andylilley_TvroarkJewdenSmithgijoemcjennyheisePlattypusSrmemes2k15
    VenusRockHobbit__Benesh_RockabillyJay
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,517
    • FAVS
    Jimboleemthemiltronjakegunstdingoden1DanKCharnleyExitThaWarriorkarachezfunnyasfarts
    • 407
    • RETWEETS
    jakegunsttheverbalEMPdavidwgallNevil1950drgreenthumbs13flatbillybaroudreamthievinestattin
    Michael_ErhartWigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,287
    • FAVS
    JimboleemA__A_PbehindyourbackthemiltronjakegunstDanKCharnleyWanderluciousdreamthievin
    • 597
    • RETWEETS
    arjunskeptic_thedearcalleBerlininatorJustFollownRTPeteHoffman88shenanigansPS_IRuddYou
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,554
    • FAVS
    JimboleemsandwichJOYthemiltronjakegunstWhoopdeedoo22DanKCharnleydreamthievinGoldenSpirals
    • 305
    • RETWEETS
    0BGAYJustFollownRTBonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanI_Am_IRONSTARKHuajatollaChic
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess

    • 1,118
    • FAVS
    JimboleemDominaShukimassiebieberthemiltronjakegunstchiararayosWhoopdeedoo22DanKCharnley
    • 623
    • RETWEETS
    DominaShukijakegunstTheCiaraQuinlanditaalvarezmrkevinmullenaSapCoolDadTheNewDomShowlosingthyme
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Wasting my life is taking forever

    • 1,046
    • FAVS
    suzytaco__tsunamiArmonahbasedpepedatruth619calaire_MarloMeekinsLeaPooPoo
    • 669
    • RETWEETS
    sythy0BGAYHugoo_Chapadatruth619angelfxllGraceHerrenEricaKitchenBigAssMoustache
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,336
    • FAVS
    JimboleemthemiltronDanKCharnleyKenPowell252weldy930itskushathonRebenokBabyKnrhockey
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    RebenokBabyKnrhockeycub1fan1962Jogreroll__Jemill13DahFahQusayJustFollownRTliftyourlife
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysCamusOverEasySmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,121
    • FAVS
    JimboleemCoolestDad4RealDrunkReptilecwhudsonJoshBrakthemiltronMorgo_96spookybutts
    • 471
    • RETWEETS
    CoolestDad4RealDrunkReptilethemiltronquentinturntinosemixeroticjakegunstSujith543leocardz
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You can't spend your whole life gently rollerblading away from your problems

    • 1,005
    • FAVS
    JimboleemdolphinheartsAngelaSchweersSkyeO01jakegunstamalalinerrrrrrhiannonjimmytorosian
    • 531
    • RETWEETS
    kaidanalenkosGondavictorhauntednoodleLUVGURL1908msemiz_SkyeO01Brando_950mahalo_nerds
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 1,007
    • FAVS
    JeSupposeshawncarlowLadyCuckAbusitronYWIR123fickleascanbKlarinetisKoolKatieBurnett
    • 406
    • RETWEETS
    NachoBowldgrbolithMatt_go1elizaschallyx14adecentteaGeriatricComedyQuindolintessa_more
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 967
    • FAVS
    Jimboleemthemiltronjakegunstdingoden1DanKCharnleyGoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRT
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    McMiserableJustFollownRTughHugsnatangueJRrabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedelia
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_omarcheeriochuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 1,018
    • FAVS
    JimboleemsandwichJOYthemiltronjakegunstDanKCharnleyJakeEuhusreagan_laineAlexBertsch
    • 163
    • RETWEETS
    IsotopeJonesAllWantSunchipsyel_julienehannahew32aezebnnuminousapplethereisnodog77keepdancing
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 951
    • FAVS
    JimboleemthemiltronjakegunstDanKCharnleydreamthievinPanicRestroomJustFollownRTdavidpecar
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    natangueJRParadis_JaneTeeJayRushWhimsical84fuzypeachhansgullickson__IsimiezJenk3
    m0hammedwarsame
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name's Donni Saphire. It's spelled wrong. Been doing standup a few years now. Used to be in a band. Can I come over? I'll bring chips. (podcast linked below)

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