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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,411
    • FAVS
    nishadtrivedinicozraidanlaffTaylorTanYWurbandoggerndhousejagalskarbilarhamour_ba7rani
    • 616
    • RETWEETS
    planetarysheeksurbandoggehamour_ba7raniKatieBurnettIan_H5gefiltecatdilutepersonaCrazyTalkAl
    shashaintlAllanCresswellfucpkThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,929
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelnishadtrivediKatieBurnettwarmyellowlightgefiltecatEdDJGexdaniel_frijoleskrishna_van
    • 650
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatkrishna_vangmattcarsonimumof3beautieskellyskellyChrishowradJaneSays___olivineeyes
    jaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,492
    • FAVS
    nishadtrivediFaisalsarwarKatieBurnettBKLYNrelaxE_milyBdaniel_frijoleskrishna_vanMichael_Erhart
    • 940
    • RETWEETS
    daniel_frijoleskrishna_vanhildogtweetJaneSays___Roelof_PrinsGenevieve0404gsodohN8Grieve
    GarbageMysticJerryThomasVerlierenixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,747
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelcanadianatlargeFaisalsarwarKatieBurnettWhoopdeedoo22PanicRestroomDirtyHaltMHanson62
    • 607
    • RETWEETS
    canadianatlargeMHanson62Rlpihlkrishna_vanhildogtweetHunnerGoMeowmstluvstrinketsKRISTINB5150
    blopt101Raceypudding_clubrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,476
    • FAVS
    twntysvngoodtimenoelcanadianatlargebikiniflowersFknVancouverHans_BrixxWillyJoPenaSANTAs_ho
    • 686
    • RETWEETS
    goodtimenoelthebencarlsonNontariobushguySANTAs_hoNotJesusCFudgeRobotZora_d_1991ChrisWing4
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandvaporcoffinLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,499
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelnishadtrivedicanadianatlargeFaisalsarwarKatieBurnettWhoopdeedoo22CelebrityChezKali_Mura
    • 399
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanComedians4CJaneSays___eborg01iwearaonesieDingliTweetsPS_IRuddYouericmabbott
    WigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,542
    • FAVS
    canadianatlargeBonjohhkennymlekotheipodteacherRlpihlEdDJGexkrishna_vanpostcrunk
    • 303
    • RETWEETS
    BonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanImpecuniousPoorHuajatollaChicNeuronicismJaneSays___
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,261
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelcanadianatlargeSWhithousesixteen_weaselsdumblelordkrishna_vanMichael_ErhartBrandiNMorgan
    • 578
    • RETWEETS
    canadianatlargedumblelordPaatoh_0925cactibeachK_blueVincentMTiberiannejerbOutOfLeftField_
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,321
    • FAVS
    GerntTNgoodtimenoelcanadianatlargeWhoopdeedoo22krishna_vanFIJIOUTDACUTalesaenzbel_cerda
    • 354
    • RETWEETS
    TylerHickson71goodtimenoelthediwyagbmillsbucalemJaneSays___eborg01HestiaApollo
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysNowAPiscesSmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,088
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelgefiltecatEdDJGexkrishna_vanboutdatskatingpostcrunkSamGoneWilesapopagasm
    • 445
    • RETWEETS
    larslentzsunilbernardkwaggoner40rogerclarkcwinczkurt_skuxdoktorjJaneSays___
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 722
    • FAVS
    JuneIpperEamonToPleasegnsnowdonBrutalParagongoodtimenoelTheOPhilosopherAllanCresswellAbusitron
    • 648
    • RETWEETS
    goodtimenoeltrevyryantthotrebleBostonMontydreamthievinSuzanaEzquinaAminIssagefiltecat
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 959
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinHahaKissKisskrishna_vanrabbithole423KristieKane72____crazyolmanrona65K_blue
    • 337
    • RETWEETS
    rabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedeliaOutOfLeftField_kellyskellyHunnerGoMeowJohn26649305
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_JiminyKicksItchuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 913
    • FAVS
    EamonToPleasegoodtimenoelEricaLynnzgefiltecatkrishna_vanSamGoneWilesJaneSays___Buttviz
    • 357
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatButtvizjumpdasharkDenverForDinnerRyan_Man2JaimeSantosCTjaffryanTheSelfieGod
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 943
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelkrishna_vanJohn26649305JaneSays___ButtvizGenevieve0404Burds_1ntithesis
    • 212
    • RETWEETS
    JaneSays___TeejayRushWhimsical84alyssalenehansgullicksonIsimiezJenk3Iain_Houston
    m0hammedwarsame
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 964
    • FAVS
    EamonToPleasegoodtimenoelmaadel3inedreamthievinWhoopdeedoo22krishna_vanmatteppaezebn
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    angelaaflemingcoxwalfemaledonkey10sophiascalzojinkiescoobreefergyratorshutupmikeginnJaneSays___
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.

    • 857
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinMeganKT04lily_MCRmyKilljoyJosiekrishna_van_womb2datomb_CareBearHN17NicoleMukai
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    sassieclassissoulpxnkeraCaitDillondengekixenahypnoticspxlls666Bad_Wolf777Katieingham4RachaelSterling
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.

    • 868
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelnishadtrivedicanadianatlargekrishna_vanEllieHettingaMichael_ErhartJohn26649305JaneSays___
    • 152
    • RETWEETS
    canadianatlargeJaneSays___Universal_Kilzkimmartinezz_larryrotherAmyJPraterDilly_D_WhervrIMayRoam
    fred_dogMiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Overs, Worst To Best:
    1) Comb
    2) Hang
    3) Left
    4) Make
    5) Sleep

    • 804
    • FAVS
    EamonToPleaseJohn26649305JaneSays___twntysvnwesjohnson8Genevieve0404KidBeatnix______stigma_phil____
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    JaneSays___jumpdasharkcmcraesclareewingThe_BREZidentSpeckleDwarfTweeterRaterCoco_Shreddies
    ObeseVeganWordsOfaHooker
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 647
    • FAVS
    goodtimenoelTaryn_GatesdreamthievinzaccolaobradcesanekWhoopdeedoo22kellyskellyMs_Gainsbourg____
    • 305
    • RETWEETS
    TinaPorrecaabradcesanekMs_Gainsbourg____JaneSays___becausehumanImJasonManghaydenhughes_analfluid
    badtweetingRockabillyJay
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

    • 730
    • FAVS
    nishadtrivediJohn26649305JaneSays___wesjohnson8Genevieve0404Burds_1milbucksfan03edbriton
    • 208
    • RETWEETS
    JaneSays___megsturbatemsjsfshggpeace1980truecoconut1964krushhhhhhTrending_Indiasaraimanzoor
    lakeanagirlMankaCat_FitsNShits
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name is Donni Saphire. I write things here and sometimes for money. Second City jams, io classes, setups and punchlines on stages. Wanna get food after this?