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My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.
Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
You guys ever party with bugs
"All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
"Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears
Quick poll: How could you?
Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.
I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.
Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.
Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.
My name is Donni Saphire. I do standup in dark bars and basements. I have a podcast called Mistakes. I have a walrus. Like me now before I get too popular