My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

"Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

Overs, Worst To Best:
1) Comb
2) Hang
3) Left
4) Make
5) Sleep

Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.

Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.

"I see you're admiring my striped vest," said no one ever.

I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.

Lately I've been using this great new stress relief technique that I call "Freaking The Fuck Out."

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.