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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,451
    • FAVS
    MeghanOBstabenowccortnyblhankitelluhwutBenjaRoejustinwilson405JoshuaOfGRspecimenq5
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    stabenowc_H_A_G_RShelbyxlouiseMattLang4Lmagkantot_AlesandraYunmmorowitzmitdasein
    theshantillyquickpooperRatCasketThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,729
    • FAVS
    MeghanOBVioletThunkmhefflinYer_ActualGTCvagtalkedrosongvrndSteveHuff
    • 1,011
    • RETWEETS
    einsteinsarcadeAlesandraYunketut113GraphiteWebMrsBlinklemitdaseinkasumuni_LifeSucks1789
    GarbageMysticJerryThomasVerlieren__ixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,790
    • FAVS
    bilgesuersezenemre137BeyzaKesebircnmnaslsnsaksarayyeloisaberlandirmakbayrakdaregeardil
    • 850
    • RETWEETS
    dokuyanemreInfinitelyJeffVioletThunkAlmost_worth_itdubdubbleYer_ActualGTCngvrndmitdasein
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandvaporcoffinLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,949
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoinsCrawford_JPomegrenede__Hi_I_DontCare__KhrisWarholDigitalArk
    • 660
    • RETWEETS
    McMiserableJustFollownRTmadsurritoHeltonKGoinsmikeymaynard__KhrisWarholPaleoCatLadyTeejayRush
    jaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 1,306
    • FAVS
    ICountBeanssDaciaBostonGambZachcalder12niaisloveorchid77slobbergooberHappenstance8
    • 1,168
    • RETWEETS
    CelsoPiazzicalder12_joedayloveorchid77LimeylizzieDeniseFloresgeezusfreezusLandonSweet
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,756
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTHeltonKGoinsthoai3000KhrisWarholICountBeanssprodigisdavidpecar
    • 613
    • RETWEETS
    SexxxyReddd09JustFollownRTLaPorte_DanielEelijahJordanthoai3000KhrisWarholcanadianatlargeMHanson62
    blopt101Raceypudding_clubrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You guys ever party with bugs

    • 1,498
    • FAVS
    nataliehall2549brallonXrydenmaeve113Michael_Erhartbasscalthmaddiepreciadomaiavincent37playmusicsmile
    • 530
    • RETWEETS
    basscalthaltmgcJessDanofphaneleesanwJustFollownRTTigressofZodakamegacalumintheiero
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 1,347
    • FAVS
    MeghanOBJNo420A_DewwchampagneshauteFLIRTGODkirby_delauterIAmKashWahDorian_Grazy
    • 642
    • RETWEETS
    MeghanOBstrtnoakmontIAmKashWahDorian_GrazyerhumbleOL_K_RIDDLEGrizzlerocaseyykelly
    VenusRockHobbit__Benesh_RockabillyJay
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,504
    • FAVS
    wnvelandoJustFollownRTDigitalArkMacKooliodavidpecargoodtimenoelnishadtrivedicanadianatlarge
    • 400
    • RETWEETS
    estattinkrishna_vanComedians4CParadis_Janeeborg01iwearaonesieDingliTweetsPS_IRuddYou
    Michael_ErhartWigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,279
    • FAVS
    chriswindeyershelbycozartGoldenSpiralsJustFollownRTPeteHoffmanhythemafiaPS_IRuddYouKhrisWarhol
    • 595
    • RETWEETS
    dearcalleBerlininatorJustFollownRTPeteHoffman88shenanigansPS_IRuddYoubiancuhbAtSignMaude
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,547
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTjackpmgdavidpecarcanadianatlargeBonjohhkennymleko
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTBonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanI_Am_IRONSTARKHuajatollaChicNeuronicism
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess

    • 1,111
    • FAVS
    huffletoughlosingthymeMartinKSullivanpluviaI0__0__o__0__0eyeseeyouareinD4ZDarrenZachIronMan
    • 621
    • RETWEETS
    losingthymeEvieOsullivan1alllierhone_xpppoooojaaaaJothySohniEssex_JoshMasonProbablyHannahHerlihy1
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,332
    • FAVS
    weldy930itskushathonPassions_Love4KnrhockeyJogrerollJemill13ninjamoose101DahFahQusay
    • 362
    • RETWEETS
    Passions_Love4Knrhockeycub1fan1962JogrerollJemill13DahFahQusayJustFollownRTliftyourlife
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysCamusOverEasySmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,109
    • FAVS
    AbbieleeveinyouPDitz34barbieheeremaatters1000deanfortythreeitsfrodopanzertronZGhaoN
    • 457
    • RETWEETS
    acciofollowersxApathTeajsalowemitdaseinshaunburtondumbEmilyGonzalez14ayeecanadiannComedians4C
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You can't spend your whole life gently rollerblading away from your problems

    • 876
    • FAVS
    HAUNTlNGSsrslyyyyyyyyyyyperlsteinsmileswrenjay22manoshimanoJerryThomasJackieSarahBmaggyvaneijk
    • 489
    • RETWEETS
    dumbfuckidiotcarnivaIyouthCiaraSorchaxhviskpCasablancas_DperlsteinsmilesDaveFriedelkyleguderian
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 962
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralsRipsnoreJustFollownRTdreamthievinHahaKissKisskrishna_vanrabbithole423KristieKane72____
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    McMiserableJustFollownRTughHugsnatangueJRrabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedelia
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_JiminyKicksItchuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 918
    • FAVS
    George_Cloney1mckee_savvstabenowchankitelluhwutTracybirdjustinwilson405magkantot_TristanHerzog
    • 359
    • RETWEETS
    kyle_khanhstabenowcmydearaspenCharlietwimcWeTheJessihopehackneyHanlonymousStephie_Lark
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 1,013
    • FAVS
    JakeEuhusreagan_laineAlexBertschhannahew32Ryan_DuncanHugh_Mongouspooitsmetessaokpraisekay9
    • 162
    • RETWEETS
    AllWantSunchipsyel_julienehannahew32aezebnitsmetessaokthereisnodog77keepdancingjschwab1978
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 946
    • FAVS
    PanicRestroomJustFollownRTdavidpecargoodtimenoelkrishna_vanJohn26649305Paradis_JaneButtviz
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    natangueJRParadis_JaneTeejayRushWhimsical84fuzypeachhansgullicksonIsimiezJenk3
    m0hammedwarsame
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.

    • 862
    • FAVS
    GoldenSpiralscrashedbubbaJustFollownRTPS_IRuddYoujumpdasharkprodigisdavidpecardreamthievin
    • 244
    • RETWEETS
    JustFollownRTsassieclassis__soulpxnkeraCaitDillondengekixenahypnoticspxlls666Bad_Wolf777Katieingham4
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name is Donni Saphire. I do standup in dark bars and basements. I have a podcast called Mistakes. I have a walrus. Like me now before I get too popular