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  • donni
      donni @donni

    My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

    • 2,421
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholDigitalArkCpin42brubinowMacKooliojohnnycanvasnocturnologychampioz
    • 617
    • RETWEETS
    steve_condraplanetarysheeks__urbandoggehamour_ba7raniKatieBurnettIan_H5gefiltecat_sadbut_rad
    shashaintlquickpooperfucpkThisAlexSteinElephartUpturnedBathtubTitaniumToplassh_om_ebound______GroperClevelandCrankyPappygirl_eats_worldllvvzzzSaudijoteinmynewskin
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?

    • 1,947
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsCrawford_JPomegrenede__Hi_I_DontCareKhrisWarholDigitalArkDonnie_Fairburnsarcasm_inc
    • 658
    • RETWEETS
    madison_feltonHeltonKGoinsmikeymaynardKhrisWarholPaleoCatLadyTeejayRushshwebby3natangueJR
    jaffryanBigBBanterdiabolicalexsanxsantiagoItsNotDavey______GroperClevelandDudiSharonhaurdCiderMmeLaCrooz
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

    • 1,763
    • FAVS
    BillyScafuriChrlsGrnbrgKellblanch22justKilieHeltonKGoinsDylie_WylieDefUSKCrawford_J
    • 837
    • RETWEETS
    TheeNateBlackfazmatic9mae_marsdi0__0ibKhrisWarholmikewaldron115CallieKWBYmichelea2204
    BrandogramsThisAlexSteinearfdaeElZepet__________GroperClevelandvaporcoffinLisaFartedjimmykinkade
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.

    • 1,501
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsCrawford_JKhrisWarholCpin42johnnycanvasnocturnologyICountBeansschampioz
    • 943
    • RETWEETS
    Crawford_JKhrisWarholliftyourlifeJakeGunstdaniel_frijoleskrishna_vanhildogtweetJaneSays___
    GarbageMystic__JerryThomasVerlierenixSEANxirichmckayChaChaDaly________JuliaEveHays
  • donni
      donni @donni

    The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

    • 1,754
    • FAVS
    HeltonKGoinsthoai3000KhrisWarholICountBeansschampiozdavidpecarJakeGunstgoodtimenoel
    • 611
    • RETWEETS
    LaPorte_DanielEelijahJordanthoai3000KhrisWarholcanadianatlargeMHanson62Rlpihlkrishna_van
    blopt101Raceypudding_clubrad_milkChelseaK22MiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    You guys ever party with bugs

    • 1,494
    • FAVS
    RianneRawrVikaLeonova1todoesgayHosmerHozGlover_Lehemo_trashicyierothlayme
    • 527
    • RETWEETS
    ProphetmassacreMYCHEMlCALCALUMicyieroavirai_TFiOS20alyssavolkmanpansyisnotdeadMsBenzedrinee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

    • 1,502
    • FAVS
    DigitalArkMacKooliodavidpecargoodtimenoelnishadtrivedicanadianatlargeFaisalsarwarKatieBurnett
    • 399
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanComedians4CJaneSays___eborg01iwearaonesieDingliTweetsPS_IRuddYouericmabbott
    WigCannonmontaukmonster1747Pylot__________Coastiefish
  • donni
      donni @donni

    If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.

    • 1,275
    • FAVS
    PeteHoffmanhythemafiaPS_IRuddYouKhrisWarholsorina_xoEmmaCummingzvanessaregantiCateChristie
    • 592
    • RETWEETS
    PeteHoffman88shenanigansPS_IRuddYoubiancuhbAtSignMaudeRusssssssssssslalexknighttt_MJoftheday
    mikecerchiariGroperClevelandashgrashsuperduperkewldeKenstructionKevinFrisbee
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

    • 1,544
    • FAVS
    jackpmgdavidpecarcanadianatlargeBonjohhkennymlekotheipodteacherRlpihlEdDJGex
    • 303
    • RETWEETS
    BonjohhtheipodteacherRlpihlkrishna_vanI_Am_IRONSTARKHuajatollaChicNeuronicismJaneSays___
    BrandogramsRowdyBowdentigersgoroooarCVTBabyDearNoone
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.

    • 1,322
    • FAVS
    bradcesanekGerntTNgoodtimenoelcanadianatlargeWhoopdeedoo22krishna_vanTommyyBitchhalesaenzb
    • 355
    • RETWEETS
    liftyourlifeTylerHickson71goodtimenoelthediwyagbmillsbucalemJaneSays___eborg01
    SaraThomas84lakeanagirlrezsaysNowAPiscesSmethanie
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

    • 1,098
    • FAVS
    GuyNextDoorHeSamMorse9RealFatmanMo5esdeph_hpedComedians4CMikeDeLaManchaheatlebjorn
    • 453
    • RETWEETS
    shaunburtondumbEmilyGonzalez14ayeecanadiannComedians4CRyaneilCentinoBoney_CadwellWhatevaConcsee8875
    jaffryanKidBeatnix______Mickey_McCauleygrumpysalmonlanyardiganBrandogramszachreinert03TitaniumToplassBlacksbrgmister__clarkekantcravenheart______
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

    • 777
    • FAVS
    MoonMetropolistomcat340aubs_mcmaecarlykenACityMouseswilkesemsmodernlifecrounsa810
    • 676
    • RETWEETS
    MoonMetropolisSweetBiAndBiACityMouseRobWagner79crounsa810fyzzgiggidyhearsegirlTeejayRush
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears

    • 959
    • FAVS
    dreamthievinHahaKissKisskrishna_vanrabbithole423KristieKane72____crazyolmanrona65K_blue
    • 339
    • RETWEETS
    ughHugsnatangueJRrabbithole423HispanicIconrona65notbedeliaOutOfLeftField_kellyskelly
    ReesesLocswriteslikehelljoaomatthews_JiminyKicksItchuckt8081800RandyCJRoberts_DMM____
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Quick poll: How could you?

    • 915
    • FAVS
    liftyourlifesplooskHome_HalfwaychampiozEamonToPleasegoodtimenoelEricaLynnzgefiltecat
    • 357
    • RETWEETS
    gefiltecatButtvizjumpdasharkDenverForDinnerRyan_Man2THEJaimeSantosjaffryanTheSelfieGod
    michaeljdawsonYour_Boy_Dylan
  • donni
      donni @donni

    I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.

    • 944
    • FAVS
    davidpecargoodtimenoelkrishna_vanJohn26649305JaneSays___ButtvizGenevieve0404Burds_1
    • 213
    • RETWEETS
    natangueJRJaneSays___TeejayRushWhimsical84fuzypeachhansgullicksonIsimiezJenk3
    m0hammedwarsame
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.

    • 971
    • FAVS
    TheBryanPowellLisa_Pisa_LovesiempredelilahEKalina_OfficialPicklesnPicklesplainjane9erchampiozEamonToPlease
    • 147
    • RETWEETS
    Kalina_OfficialPicklesnPicklesplainjane9erPS_IRuddYouangelaafleming__coxwalfemaledonkey10sophiascalzo
    adamlucidilawyerthoughtsletsgetgizzy
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.

    • 861
    • FAVS
    PS_IRuddYoujumpdasharkchampiozdavidpecardreamthievinMeganKT04lily_MCRmyKilljoyJosie
    • 243
    • RETWEETS
    sassieclassissoulpxnkeraCaitDillondengekixenahypnoticspxlls666Bad_Wolf777Katieingham4RachaelSterling
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Opposites attract, which is why it sucks to be this handsome.

    • 877
    • FAVS
    DetroitGirl_ludusaitplainjane9erPS_IRuddYoufjmikacviptandondarlingshelly72champioz
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    1dayDammitDetroitGirl_Kalina_Officialplainjane9erPS_IRuddYoudarlingshelly72steve_condracanadianatlarge
    fred_dogMiketheSourcer
  • donni
      donni @donni

    Overs, Worst To Best:
    1) Comb
    2) Hang
    3) Left
    4) Make
    5) Sleep

    • 806
    • FAVS
    MacKooliochampiozEamonToPleaseJohn26649305JaneSays___twntysvnwesjohnson8Genevieve0404
    • 169
    • RETWEETS
    JaneSays___jumpdasharkcmcraesclareewingThe_BREZidentSpeckleDwarfTweeterRaterCoco_Shreddies
    ObeseVeganWordsOfaHooker
  • donni
      donni @donni

    "All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.

    • 649
    • FAVS
    MoonMetropolislooney_bingoodtimenoelTaryn_GatesdreamthievinzaccolaobradcesanekWhoopdeedoo22
    • 305
    • RETWEETS
    MoonMetropolisTinaPorrecaabradcesanekMs_Gainsbourg____JaneSays___becausehumanImJasonMangyungdad_
    Benesh_RockabillyJay
@donni

@donni
Pro

My name is Donni Saphire. I write jokes and yell them at strangers. Hardcore rap and Mary J. Blige records, the god gon' snap, I'm waving the five reckless