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My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.
Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because you'll never get that job.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?
Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
You guys ever party with bugs
"All you need is love," sang the popular millionaires.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
If you call Starbucks "Starbs," I hope you get totes murds.
Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?
I'm the one who got us into this mess, so I'll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.
You can't spend your whole life gently rollerblading away from your problems
"Polar bears can't jump." -Black bears
Quick poll: How could you?
Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.
I woke up feeling British, melancholy & vaguely homoerotic. Turns out I left the air conditioner on Depeche Mode all night.
Some veggie chips retain their native vegetable flavor and some just taste like salty potato chips. Those are the ones I like. I am America.
My name is Donni Saphire. I do standup in dark bars and basements. I have a podcast called Mistakes. I have a walrus. Like me now before I get too popular