Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I open my car door and scrape it on the sidewalk every time, like it's the first time.
Why would I want a thigh gap? If we go camping I can just run in place for a minute and start my own fire and then boom: s'mores.
white guy reading book on Chinese meditation at the take out joint- I don’t think they’re impressed
having a lil viewing party for the on the run concert special on HBO tonight and im so excited im already doing my stretches
An over saturation of nudes gonna hurt the market. That's basic freakanomics.
who wrote that classic "never tell me the croods" tweet i can't find it
Under my new English orthography "doge meme" would be spelled "dozhe meem"
It's a mistake to unfollow me now just because of the last year of super-shitty tweets. That only means I'm due.
She tries tai chi at the Chai tea store.
Sadly considers her sister selling seashells at the seashore.
Always worried someone put me down as their emergency contact.
I think the question is counselor, what WOULDN'T I let Tyler Durden do to my ass
Going with khakis tonight
I've been in San Francisco for an hour and six people have tried to get me to "add avocado for $3." Haven't even been to a restaurant yet.
Our puppy has a weird obsession with bugs. Starting to think he is 25 frogs in a dogsuit.
People think being agnostic means "anti-God" but I like to think of it more as "pro-possibilities."
writer in residence of your mom
Whoever created Taco Bell's breakfast menu forgot that no one who eats Taco Bell wakes up before noon.
im just laying in bed groaning "im bored" over and over again this is as good as it gets
It's Saturday night & if you think I'm not getting laid you should tell your brain to shut up & go to hell, because I am. Getting laid.
My name is Donni Saphire. I write jokes and yell them at strangers. Hardcore rap and Mary J. Blige records, the god gon' snap, I'm waving the five reckless