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Amazing with how much public street-eating I do, no one's ever secretly taped and shamed me virally. WHERE'S MY "EATING MAN" DANCE PARTY???
The dude who ruined my life, I'm assuming drunk, texted me last night. So can't wait to have panic attacks all day because of it!
i just pulled my legs out from under my sleeping cat like someone whipping a tablecloth from under a set table
Considering a reverse 420
met someone the other day and they were like "are you joke guy twitter" & i said "no i'm more like open wound twitter"
also my mom's maiden name is a long string of indecipherable glyphs so i have that going for me too
as a kid, i misspelled my first pet's name and as a result no one will ever be able to guess my the answer to my password reset question
Oh great I HATE my travel look.
Bitch better have my bunny.
All it takes is for one bad apple to spoil the lot. Luckily humans aren't apples.
Batting away the inevitability of Tuesday like a fly that wants to puke on my food.
I'm not "sex negative," I'm just negative. I don't trust governments to commodify women's bodies and then be able to fairly regulate them.
So I had a dream I gave a TED talk on pooping.
Let's make this happen.
the time between first sleep and second sleep
twitter is a pyramid scheme
My name's Donni Saphire. It's spelled wrong. Been doing standup a few years now. Used to be in a band. Can I come over? I'll bring chips. (podcast linked below)
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