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Our kids have my wife's hair. The sink has mine.
Day 27 stranded in space. Dave said I could never be president of Mars so I kicked his crap bag and now Dave’s crap is all over the place.
I have the exact opposite of FOMO. What I have is a Fear of Being Invited Along, or a "FOBIA".
If my mom sees me hungover one more time I'm pretty sure I get a free sandwich
Again, Beyonce & her team asked the directors outta of respect but they didn't have to. Production 101.
One power move is wearing the same pjs 2 days in a row, taking a shower, then putting on different pjs bc you're not actually going anywhere
After years of making fun of my white boyfriend for being white, I'm sad to report that I a) got sunburned yesterday b) before he did.
keep thinking about Jeb standing up to Trump like the one time he must have stutter-demanded to George HE'd pick the pizza topping this time
i have stuff 2 do !!
listen if I want to publish my first book by the time i'm 30 I have to stop fucking with guys who don't really listen when I talk
More debates? Shut up and do something.
Dispatch from a New Hampshire diner: Everyone here is extremely white.
"I can't wait for tonight's commercials!" - Someone, somewhere, because we have grown swollen & somnolent like ticks COME VISIGOTHS TAKE US
Making tweets on twitter is coming back in a Big way
Fetty Wap sounds like a porpoise having its first period.
Not voting for Chris Christie but will definitely cast him as a homophobic terrorizing gym teacher in a coming of age story about a shy teen
uh oh swiped right on someone named syrup time for bed
Hey single men: I'm sitting with my legs spread and rice on my face, singing super Mario music 💋
We ran out of TP so I just wiped with a Thanksgiving-themed cocktail napkin.
Dances with Wolves? Idk the wolf thing is badass but the dancing part sounds gay AF imo. I played sports in hs btw
Donni Saphire owns 0 hats, does standup comedy and writes for several websites. His DMs are open and his heart is closed.
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