This Macklamore Dude Is Killing It. I Never Heard His Music Or Whatever He Looks Like An Asshole But He Is Fucking Killing It

1. Get a job at chili's
2. Sneak your cat around in your shirt at work
3. Take over the chili's
4. Promote your cat to assistant manager

Here we see the elusive Sweaterbellied Gloria. Note her bleach-permed plumage, iPad candycrush and refusal to offer her seat to the elderly.

Next time you go to an expensive Italian restaurant, open the menu and shout, "That's a pricey meataball!" Then have your card declined.

I need you like a thirsty man needs water, like a kite needs the wind, like Head-On needs a forehead directly.

GOOD COP NOT MAD COP: Can't believe you killed 10 people... I'm not mad.. just disappointed. [murderer's heart breaks, he confesses in full]

my cat is in heat (1995) starring al pacino, robert de niro, and my cat

"No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa

If you could have sex with one animal why would you do that?

*You open a can of soup only to find a BIGGER can of soup inside & spend the rest of your life searching for someone that believes you*

If you tell me you saw a wild turkey near your house I will slap you in the face from the exhilaration.

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Suspect described as "an ethereal sense of childlike wonder". Feds urge if you make contact, hold tight, as life is fleeting

I used to love making my crushes mixtapes. 10 seconds of Cheers, then maybe a Downy commercial, followed by a good 30 minutes of the news.

I wouldn’t be that upset if a mouse used one of my boat shoes to sail around the world.

For the love of god, would you ladies stop clacking your lucite heels on-stage I'm trying to listen to Disturbed and drink expensive Cokes.

*removes sunglasses and slowly shakes my hair out of ponytail* are you bros thinkin arbys

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

In case of fire, strap a fire extinguisher to your body like a jetpack. Shout "Suck it, bitches" to your coworkers as you fly away.

If a fellow criminal says, "There's no way out! The building is surrounded!", DON'T say, "Maybe we can escape into our imaginations!"