I write jokes but they never write back

It's no coincidence that Greg is an anagram of Regg

Best part of Get Shorty is when Travolta's like "That's it! GET SHORTY!" and they go to get Shorty

Turns out my sidekick thinks I'm HIS sidekick

Sleep is death's bumbling assistant

Do your best. It's probably not good enough, but still

Twitter is the best place to get completely ignored by thousands of people

Bill Mime The Silence Guy

Being a single dad is hard when you have no children

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think most women should be female

"It was always burning" is the dumbest alibi ever, Billy Joel

To find Waldo, you must first find yourself

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long history of violence

WHO RESCUES THE RESCUE RANGERS

Just pulled a rabbi out of a ha

We're born alone, we die alone, and most of our conversations are about weather

Time machine jokes aren't funny, you guys. My great grandson dies in a time machine crash.

Go Big or go Tupac

"And you will know us by the trail of bread..." -Ducks

My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.