Kanye West was a lot nicer before that house fell on Kanye East.

Steven Tyler suffered head and neck injuries falling off a stage in SD.

He probably should have walked THAT way.

I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking."

Co-worker: hard to believe it's October already

Me: not if you look at a calendar at least once a month

Small talk skills.

I have them.

Every time it displays ENJOY YOUR MEAL, I expect the microwave oven to insert quotes around the last word.

THERE'S ALMOND MILK?

I didn't even know they had nipples.

Yo, Popeye, Ima let you spinach…

When I was a boy, we made Nancy Kerrigan horseface jokes. Uphill. Both ways.

For 2 months I've been using my iPhone without screen protection

Today, the period key stopped working and every minus I type comes up '+'

The most important lesson I've learned from 25 years of commuting to Boston is this:

The road to Hell is paved.

It's been so long that I've taken to calling it mourning wood.

My work here is dumb.

Discovering condoms have expiration dates was disappointing on multiple levels.

Our marriage has matured to the point where the phrase "bring it" only refers to my wallet.

Don't even ask about "I'm coming."

HELP!

It's a gang of newly indoctrinated 11 year old socialists at my library trying to learn stuff.

OMG!

One wants to be an engineer!

Being on Twitter makes someone a writer in the same way that being on Cops makes someone a TV star.

Daily, as I leave, my wife tells me to "have fun storming the castle." I don't have the heart to tell her I'm only a software engineer.

Today is the first day of the rest of my laundry.

Learned by spending the day shopping with fashion designer wife:

Purple is the new black.
Ruffles are in.
My testicles are now ovaries.

Usually, I gain 20 pounds over the holidays.

That's only, like 3, in dog-pounds.