Heads up: QEW Toronto and Fort Erie bound between 7TH St and Hwy 406, in St. Catharines: QEW closed in both directions for several hours.

Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes the bear eats you. Mostly though, you just really aren't gonna be encountering a ton of bears.

Which is to say, I'm naked and attempting to fart the song "Rhythm Is a Dancer" even while the nurses at the station give me the evil eye.

There's a moment lying in a hospital bed where you realize that it's time to stop being polite and start treating it like your own bedroom.

@doo_over best thing about fever sex is the sweaty lubrication... And panting

If you make direct eye contact with Ryan Seacrest, your teeth actively whiten two shades lighter.

Tired but not tired is the worst.

If I ever change my name it will be to something that simultaneously oozes masculinity, fitness, pimpness and ambiguous sexuality. Joe Lean.

Hell hath no fury like an amateur cheese maker with a rolodex of mongers, makers and agers.

One way to piss off Mothra: sneak into her closet and eat her sweaters.

Shout out to everyone writing 25,000-word blog posts about today's Benghazi hearings from their mom's basement. Important work, guys.

funny thing about today's racists, they're so versatile. blame everything on obama. but when hilary gets in, the white woman gets it.

Found an old man in a parking lot! What should I name him???

Also I don't remember being here last night but if I was doing magic tricks then I was definitely in Berserker Mode.

A true friend will heart your Instagram of your replica Star Trek original series phaser.

After the tenth time of my son getting out of his bed crying, I'd finally had it, so I poured him a glass of wine and set him up on twitter.

some of you are really amazing. thank you for being here.

When OkCupid shows a list of other people I might like to message, I imagine the knight from The Last Crusade watching. “You chose… poorly.”

Let’s get together and decide on a universal signal to waiters that you wish to skip the “taste the wine before they pour” charade.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, come sit by me and we can make fun of people together.