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Don't get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, "So it's the thing you use to pause a book. I get it."
People in front of me drive as if they are totally unaware of my raging sense of entitlement.
Today I watched men's water polo for the articles.
September is a vulnerable month for those prone to depression. Be a little more understanding for those who need it.
4-yr-old to my iPhone: "Cereal, where is the nearest McDonald's?"
Think how amazing Christianity would be had Jesus been flamboyantly gay.
My mucous plug just came out.
If this doesn't make Favrd then Twitter is obviously broken.
WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS YOU GET TO DO HOMEWORK ALL OVER AGAIN, DUDE IN COLLEGE WHO HATES CONDOMS.
Living with a toddler is like renting a circus clown, and when you go to give him back they won't let you. AND HE NEVER BREAKS CHARACTER.
WARNING, SERIOUS TWEET AHEAD: Self-confidence is not something you strive to get. It's something you finally realize.
Ladies. Life has an honor code. Not flushing a public toilet is in direct violation of it.
Guys! I stopped listening to people talking about politics on the radio and I got my happiness back!
A cashier smiled at me as she handed me my change and it turned my whole day around. Being a human being is so fucking weird.
"Yes, please tell me about the dream you had last night in very specific detail." - No one. Ever.
In secret prisons around the world detainees are being forced to grocery shop with 4-yr-olds.
I exploit my children for millions and millions of dollars on my mommyblog.