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Don't get a dog to see if you wants kids. Get a giant incontinent bear who just drank a keg of beer and is dragging around a dead hobo.
After we explain what a bookmark is to Leta, she goes, "So it's the thing you use to pause a book. I get it."
People in front of me drive as if they are totally unaware of my raging sense of entitlement.
September is a vulnerable month for those prone to depression. Be a little more understanding for those who need it.
Think how amazing Christianity would be had Jesus been flamboyantly gay.
My mucous plug just came out.
If this doesn't make Favrd then Twitter is obviously broken.
WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS YOU GET TO DO HOMEWORK ALL OVER AGAIN, DUDE IN COLLEGE WHO HATES CONDOMS.
Living with a toddler is like renting a circus clown, and when you go to give him back they won't let you. AND HE NEVER BREAKS CHARACTER.
WARNING, SERIOUS TWEET AHEAD: Self-confidence is not something you strive to get. It's something you finally realize.
Ladies. Life has an honor code. Not flushing a public toilet is in direct violation of it.
Guys! I stopped listening to people talking about politics on the radio and I got my happiness back!
"Yes, please tell me about the dream you had last night in very specific detail." - No one. Ever.
At least they aren't making you drop your pants unwillingly. “@toddakin: I apologized but the liberal media is trying to make me drop out."
No, I don't hold grudges. I put them in a carrier and strap them to my body like tiny precious babies.
You know what's more offensive than my last tweet? Blaming an innocent, unarmed African American teen's death on his choice of outerwear.
"I don't want to become a statistic!" - 100% of people who have no idea how statistics work.
If you don't feel the urge to hit a pedestrian who is leisurely walking through a crosswalk then we probably couldn't be friends.
A double-sided Scooby Snack
Stats can't be shown as @dooce has never signed in to Favstar.
