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Holiday tip: Your boyfriend doesn't really love you unless he lets you paint candy cane stripes on his penis.
Today might be one of those work days where my finger guns never even see their holster.
I might not mind jury duty. Judging people is kind of my thing.
Of course we all want to live happily ever after. We are a society drugged by fairy tales.
I missed you guys. Yelling "STAR" at someone's face when they said something witty just wasn't the same. <3
Be patient. Sometimes karma is one slow moving bitch. <3
Even my dad had daddy issues so I guess you could say mine were grandfathered in...
Is this thing still on? I sure hope tweeting isn't like riding a bike bc I never learned how to do that either. :(
True love means never having to beg for the things you deserve, but only begging for the naughty things you want. <3
Humans have a fuck-ton of ways to communicate yet a lack of communication is the killer of most relationships.
True story: My boyfriend & I exchange an average of 20 emails each day & my heart still skips every single time I see his name in my inbox.
According to these pants that are so tight I can't breathe, food and I are officially on a break.
My boss asked why I always eat lunch at my desk.
Does he expect me to eat in the cafeteria where someone might talk to me?! Gross.
My little sister is getting married in a garden. I thanked her for being mindful of my severe church allergy on her special day.
Once upon a time I sold bottles of tears to gypsies, but now I smile & high five them instead.