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When the temp gets cold I don't simply shiver; my body develops a temporary case of advanced Parkinson's until I relocate to a warmer spot.
Annoyed person on the bus: How many Mean Girls references are going to be made today?
Me, whispering: The limit does not exist.
flashback to the time when 8 y.o. me called my neighbor's golden retriever a rip off bc it wouldn't do Air Bud tricks
Sometimes I get social anxiety ordering pizza by phone. if u do too don't worry lots of people do. for example me. Ok that's my TED talk bye
When you avoid paying taxes, you commit tax evasion. When you avoid a boy named Max who has a crush on you, you commit Max evasion.
"I'm like a bird, I'm gonna fly away" -all of my money as it leaves my wallet in large quantities
OMG I PUT LISTERINE IN MY MOUTH THEN GOT IN AN ELEVATOR AND I HAVE TO SPIT BUT I CAN'T IT BURNS HELP ME IM TRAPPED
There may be a method to my madness. Maybe, but probably not.