Gay sex will exist forever, abortions will continue to happen, people will always smoke weed. Know what is going away, though? OLD PEOPLE

HUNGER GAMES is about kids murdering each other and got a PG-13. BULLY has kids swearing in it and got an R. Fuck you, MPAA. #AndYourHorse

I'm glad Reese Witherspoon is ok, but when I first heard she got hit by a car I thought, "Bend and snap." #DougLovesMovies

"I'm a home-schooling father of seven." -Rick Santorum, giving us a succinct reason to not vote for him #TweetThePress #CNNDebate

It took Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin's break-up for me to find out they were dating.

People who think being gay is a choice have chosen to be wrong.

Slurpees are free today, right?

I tried to learn Braille but I gave up after a while because I just wasn't feeling it.

RT if you like pizza, puppies and partying! #WhoDoesnt

On a scale of one to ten, I'm pretty high.

Meryl can't be here because she has Streep Throat. Goodnight! #GoldenGlobes

I asked Siri, "How big is the Grand Canyon?" and she said "Sober the fuck up and don't worry about it."

Miley Cyrus should claim that it wasn't her that was hit that bong, it was Hannah Montana. #MethodActress

Hey Bono, the 65 mil spent on your horrible, pointless musical could have fed a lot of starving children. Good work. #TurnOffTheShow

Smoking out of an apple all day keeps the doctor away, right?

Just saw the disabled kid from GLEE standing up. I call bullshit. #GoldenGlobes

In the DARK KNIGHT RISES trailer, Catwoman pretty much calls out Bruce Wayne for being in the 1%. #OccupyGotham

P.S. Good job backing unions tonight, rich people who work in film and belong to unions! #Oscars

I normally leave the naming of shitheads to others, but man, Mayor Bloomberg is a shithead. #Shithead #ows

Post 9/11 is the worst cereal.