I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings

I bet every landscape painting Bob Ross did was trophy to remind him of the hooker he buried at the actual place

If dwarves want me to take them more seriously they shouldn't giggle so much when I chase them

I don't know any magic tricks, but I can make ladies walk faster to their cars in parking garages just by wearing the hood on my sweatshirt

Why do you think I'm wearing this unzipped sleeveless jacket with nothing underneath and fingerless gloves? I'm bout to dance, motherfucker

I always try to wink at ugly people when I'm walking towards them because they're probably imagining me in slow motion with my hair blowing.

It's ok to use your hand as a pretend gun to acknowledge a lady in a bar, but you can't move your thumb across your throat like a knife

Fact: The human female is the only animal that can get mad at you by remembering something you said two years ago at a party

If I could levitate things with my mind, when I wasn't busy making kittens fly, I would make older Mexican ladies think they were haunted.

I still fell guilty about using my laser pointer at that Siegfried and Roy show

My girlfriend never introduces me to her friends anymore because after shaking hands I always yell "You fucked her didn't you? Didn't you!"

Just got all the kids in this daycare to believe that you never see unicorns because they're in hospital basements giving babies buttholes

If the word 'aspire' doesn't mean 'ass perspiration' I have to rewrite this entire essay

I'd rather share a needle with someone than a yogurt spoon

I pranked my boss twice! Yesterday I drew a tarantula on her rear view mirror. Today, at the funeral, I drew one on her cheek.

People getting cash out of ATM's always look nervous when I ask "Do you want to see your family again?" I just want to see if anyone says no

Apparently the best time to laugh and point and ask your girlfriend,"Are you really putting on makeup to go to Target?" is never. Never ever

If you are constantly being bullied, remember this: Everybody runs from dildo nunchucks

Two eight year old girls just claimed that my girlfriend and I were sitting in a tree kissing. Fucking liars.

If you see me weeping alone at a bar, I'm thinking about the episode of saved by the bell when Kelly and Zack broke up at the costume ball