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  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

    • 338
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioLambyMcSheepsBran_Chan87fuzzlimeTw1tter_K1ttenZombie_Kit__lindseyallenTheRealKeeganP
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    LambyMcSheepsfuzzlimemjmaciejewskiZombie_Kit__TheRealKeeganPPatrickGDugganJamesBarrettsUnderchilde
    mrtruthandsoul
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat.

    • 299
    • FAVS
    kv8donion_ringJohnLyonTweetsCheeseboy22LambyMcSheepsGrnjelloathntktheboys444
    • 104
    • RETWEETS
    JohnLyonTweetsVodkaShorebirdLambyMcSheepsGuyThe_GuycatcervenyBob_Hellerleopard_print02ToxicButTasty
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I'm pretty sure the way my sister just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

    • 224
    • FAVS
    nutellanpbginnyrusseGuyThe_GuysheepandrobotsVodkaShorebirdll_the_ragerenobones________8rnwhite8
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    Out_spokenMeRasbanda_ManoloGuyThe_GuyToxicButTastyll_the_ragerenobones________Jenny4ashleySauertraut
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    My date does not seem impressed with my combo washer/dryer/dining room table.

    • 217
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioBran_Chan87KailaGehringginnyrusseCubicleHostagezrmyersOhayItsBrandonnolar_bear
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    fuzzlimeOhayItsBrandonnolar_bearGuyThe_GuyToxicButTastyhoover2500________Jenny4ashleyHarryBallsagna1
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Self-checkout is the best thing that's happened to the anti-social community since the handwritten manifesto.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioGrnjelloBran_Chan87elmoscaresmeR1CC1KKailaGehringDonaldGoesAwolJustJellie
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    Bran_Chan87elmoscaresmefuzzlimejackalsilvaTheBeardedTrellyvetterheDonaldGoesAwolJustJellie
    aleneparr
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    My current state of caffeination is beyond 'semi-pleasant conversationalist' and quickly approaching 'ability to see through time.'

    • 173
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioGrnjellochaddercookCarrieHOlerichBran_Chan87R1CC1Ksandmage68TFerreolus
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    chaddercookR1CC1KfuzzlimeryanisagoodguyTFerreolusDonaldGoesAwolCubicleHostagemitdasein
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I can't tell what God enjoys tormenting me with more: the success of my exes or my check engine light.

    • 147
    • FAVS
    GrnjellosheepandrobotsVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__fhbyroncupcakelynda
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    GrnjelloSummerWitteToxicButTastycupcakelyndabamesbmwTopcat_007kevnastoMaxxamillian
    imhalfevil
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    If I had a time machine, first thing I'd do is go back and inform whoever attempted this Airline Sudoku puzzle that they're a fucking idiot.

    • 149
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdsheepandrobotsnadsmontenegroJimmerThatisAllJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__TylerLinkincupcakelynda
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    JimmerThatisAllSauertrautTylerLinkinCshift3Kalii_mrtruthandsoulfuqtardedRamblingMachine__
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    At the hipster coffee shoppe, playing my new favorite game: Face Tattoo or Birth Defect!

    • 139
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsBran_Chan87R1CC1KBlackCheesePieJimmerThatisAllJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__nickgillz________
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    R1CC1KfuzzlimeJimmerThatisAllajtowlerkevnastoTylerLinkintimmyryan22signandsight
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    All I was told was to bring snacks to a work meeting. Where does it state that 4 bottles of wine aren't snacks and that I have to share.

    • 129
    • FAVS
    Bran_Chan87fuzzlimeMarkWillyLudlowJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleynursesarica
    • 42
    • RETWEETS
    fuzzlimemoemaidKaitlynSartercristicremeJimmerThatisAllB_Walt2forbestooshkeeberwashere__
    imhalfevil
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Congratulations to everyone graduating college this week on reaching a level of employability still lower than a 1970's high school dropout.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__cupcakelyndaCheetohFacePhilNistaBeenToHellPalsabakhan
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    SauertrautPhilNistaBeenToHellPalGiantSweetTartyosefwaitsSoulSistaNokcmrtruthandsoulQ_u_i_n_t_i_n_S__
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Great Date Night Idea: "Let's put our iPods on shuffle and judge each other."

    • 115
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioRezwhitehair03IsaacZeSoundGuyNini9566CatnapMavenJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    Rezwhitehair03IsaacZeSoundGuyOhHarleyPapashenanikenzLocoHashimCatnapMavenJimmerThatisAllEllumbrera
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Either there's catnip in my new deodorant, or Mr. Whiskers wants to take our relationship to the next level. Mr. Whiskers is our janitor.

    • 122
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebird8rnwhite8PhilNistaJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__TylerLinkinfhbyroncupcakelynda
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    cupcakelyndaToxicButTastyStartup_ADLPolicyVoteMrFlixxmrtruthandsoulEdwardNigma1980MyHairyLife______
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Asked if there was anyway I could charge my phone at Cracker Barrel, and they just brought me a raccoon covered in tin foil.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    AnyaLachae7ToxicButTastyjeffron_xAlisonzombielan__angheidJDawgSwagmasterTinyMcSmallBirkBuckyIsotope
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    jeffron_xfavstar1000favsDukeRaccoonjiggynyeVodkaShorebirdthebest5wtcathryn_wardTomFoolery52
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Side ponytail AND Snooki Poof? Girrrrl, you are making all the right choices.

    • 113
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsLocoHashimgloryousIyMetalligretchJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebirdrenobones________8rnwhite8
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyzami_singsonJimmerThatisAllfavstar1000favsnice_sometimes_TayTayJustineErin13851meanPeach
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I was asked for my business card today. I broke down in tears. My parents can be such dicks.

    • 121
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsGrnjellofuzzlimegloryousIyJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebirdrenobones________8rnwhite8
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    JimmerThatisAllSauertrautTheMongoose69ThisMansJourneymrtruthandsoulGrind_n_RollPretzelNYfuqtarded
    DawnLovesZombie
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Worst part about living alone: Once your friends go through your medicine cabinet, trying to explain how your cat got erectile dysfunction.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdrenobones________8rnwhite8atanenhauspistolwistolMetalligretchPhilNistaJenny4ashley
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    PhilNistafavstar1000favsSauertrautkylymi2chokenspuhJimmerThatisAllJay1972Jay23_Lies
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    "Dryer, why do you have a Less dry setting? That's the washers job!... These jokes go over great with the vacuum cleaner." ...so alone.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    GrnjellomarmuzellafuzzlimejiggynyeVodkaShorebirdviadearsamtschil8rnwhite8
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    marmuzellafuzzlimeVodkaShorebirdPhilNistafavstar1000favscanadasandraPolicyVotemrtruthandsoul
    ManVsPuppet
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    How many stick pokes does it take to determine if this park bench sleeper is officially dead? I'm at 49.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__BedheadBunnyraqueldiane17andrewgutinKingofHippies
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    BedheadBunnyandrewgutin999nataS999favstar1000favsJimmerThatisAllSauertrautsloth_saver______Kods1983
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Just found out I'm not man enough to change the TV at the gym from ESPN to Cartoon Network.

    • 101
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__trumpthechumpToxicButTastyradtoria__________HapaKoleaJen
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    PlSSPANTSfavstar1000favsHapaKoleaJenStella1070JimmerThatisAllalexhadzimasitdowninfrontOliveBeerthanks
@drearydoug

@drearydoug

100% stuffing