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  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

    • 339
    • FAVS
    TellTheTruthYoMacKoolioLambyMcSheepsBran_Chan87fuzzlimeTw1tter_K1ttenZombie_Kit__lindseyallen
    • 141
    • RETWEETS
    LambyMcSheepsfuzzlimemjmaciejewskiZombie_Kit__TheRealKeeganPPatrickGDugganJamesBarrettsUnderchilde
    mrtruthandsoul
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    At my parent's house, or as I like to call it, the world's most judgmental self-service laundromat.

    • 302
    • FAVS
    PastorTicklesamzmomrocksHurricane_ReDkv8donion_ringJohnLyonTweetsCheeseboy22LambyMcSheeps
    • 105
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYoJohnLyonTweetsVodkaShorebirdLambyMcSheepsGuyThe_GuycatcervenyBob_Hellerleopard_print02
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I'm pretty sure the way my sister just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

    • 225
    • FAVS
    TellTheTruthYonutellanpbginnyrusseGuyThe_GuysheepandrobotsVodkaShorebirdll_the_ragerenobones________
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    Out_spokenMeRasbanda_ManoloGuyThe_GuyToxicButTastyll_the_ragerenobones________Jenny4ashleySauertraut
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    My date does not seem impressed with my combo washer/dryer/dining room table.

    • 218
    • FAVS
    TellTheTruthYoMacKoolioBran_Chan87KailaGehringginnyrusseCubicleHostagezrmyersOhayItsBrandon
    • 63
    • RETWEETS
    jschwab1978TellTheTruthYofuzzlimeOhayItsBrandonnolar_bearGuyThe_GuyToxicButTastyhoover2500________
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Self-checkout is the best thing that's happened to the anti-social community since the handwritten manifesto.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    MacKoolioGrnjelloBran_Chan87elmoscaresmeR1CC1KKailaGehringDonaldGoesAwolJustJellie
    • 66
    • RETWEETS
    Bran_Chan87elmoscaresmefuzzlimejackalsilvaTheBeardedTrellyvetterheDonaldGoesAwolJustJellie
    aleneparr
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    My current state of caffeination is beyond 'semi-pleasant conversationalist' and quickly approaching 'ability to see through time.'

    • 176
    • FAVS
    smilely_galBarbiturateCatTellTheTruthYoMacKoolioGrnjellochaddercookCarrieHOlerichBran_Chan87
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYochaddercookR1CC1KfuzzlimeryanisagoodguyTFerreolusDonaldGoesAwolCubicleHostage
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I can't tell what God enjoys tormenting me with more: the success of my exes or my check engine light.

    • 147
    • FAVS
    GrnjellosheepandrobotsVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__fhbyroncupcakelynda
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYoGrnjelloSummerWitteToxicButTastycupcakelyndabamesbmwTopcat_007kevnasto
    imhalfevil
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    If I had a time machine, first thing I'd do is go back and inform whoever attempted this Airline Sudoku puzzle that they're a fucking idiot.

    • 150
    • FAVS
    TellTheTruthYoVodkaShorebirdsheepandrobotsnadsmontenegroJimmerThatisAllJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__TylerLinkin
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    JimmerThatisAllSauertrautTylerLinkinCshift3Kalii_mrtruthandsoulfuqtardedRamblingMachine__
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    At the hipster coffee shoppe, playing my new favorite game: Face Tattoo or Birth Defect!

    • 139
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsBran_Chan87R1CC1KBlackCheesePieJimmerThatisAllJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__nickgillz________
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    R1CC1KfuzzlimeJimmerThatisAllajtowlerkevnastoTylerLinkintimmyryan22signandsight
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    All I was told was to bring snacks to a work meeting. Where does it state that 4 bottles of wine aren't snacks and that I have to share.

    • 130
    • FAVS
    TellTheTruthYoBran_Chan87fuzzlimeMarkWillyLudlowJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashley
    • 43
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYofuzzlimemoemaidKaitlynSartercristicremeJimmerThatisAllB_Walt2forbestoo
    imhalfevil
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Great Date Night Idea: "Let's put our iPods on shuffle and judge each other."

    • 121
    • FAVS
    karenkhoedwoodksarahsmacdonaldfunnybeachgirlstevenshehoriTellTheTruthYoMacKoolioRezwhitehair03
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    creative_typeJimbodiddleyTellTheTruthYoRezwhitehair03IsaacZeSoundGuyOhHarleyPapashenanikenzLocoHashim
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Congratulations to everyone graduating college this week on reaching a level of employability still lower than a 1970's high school dropout.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__cupcakelyndaCheetohFacePhilNistaBeenToHellPalsabakhan
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    SauertrautPhilNistaBeenToHellPalGiantSweetTartyosefwaitsSoulSistaNokcmrtruthandsoulQ_u_i_n_t_i_n_S__
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Either there's catnip in my new deodorant, or Mr. Whiskers wants to take our relationship to the next level. Mr. Whiskers is our janitor.

    • 122
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebird8rnwhite8PhilNistaJenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__TylerLinkinfhbyroncupcakelynda
    • 32
    • RETWEETS
    cupcakelyndaToxicButTastyStartup_ADLPolicyVoteMrFlixxmrtruthandsoulEdwardNigma1980MyHairyLife______
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    I was asked for my business card today. I broke down in tears. My parents can be such dicks.

    • 124
    • FAVS
    PastorTicklesGoofyGeminiTellTheTruthYoLambyMcSheepsGrnjellofuzzlimegloryousIyJimmerThatisAll
    • 26
    • RETWEETS
    PastorTicklesTellTheTruthYoJimmerThatisAllSauertrautTheMongoose69ThisMansJourneymrtruthandsoulGrind_n_Roll
    DawnLovesZombie
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Asked if there was anyway I could charge my phone at Cracker Barrel, and they just brought me a raccoon covered in tin foil.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    AnyaLachae7ToxicButTastyjeffron_xAlisonzombielan__angheidJDawgSwagmasterTinyMcSmallBirkBuckyIsotope
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    jeffron_xfavstar1000favsDukeRaccoonjiggynyeVodkaShorebirdthebest5wtcathryn_wardTomFoolery52
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Side ponytail AND Snooki Poof? Girrrrl, you are making all the right choices.

    • 113
    • FAVS
    LambyMcSheepsLocoHashimgloryousIyMetalligretchJimmerThatisAllVodkaShorebirdrenobones________8rnwhite8
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyzami_singsonJimmerThatisAllfavstar1000favsnice_sometimes_TayTayJustineErin13851meanPeach
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Worst part about living alone: Once your friends go through your medicine cabinet, trying to explain how your cat got erectile dysfunction.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    smilely_galBarbiturateCatTellTheTruthYoVodkaShorebirdrenobones________8rnwhite8atanenhauspistolwistol
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYoPhilNistafavstar1000favsSauertrautkylymi2chokenspuhJimmerThatisAllJay1972Jay
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    How many stick pokes does it take to determine if this park bench sleeper is officially dead? I'm at 49.

    • 116
    • FAVS
    smilely_gal786Sakshi123caliraingirlMatthewsKristyTellTheTruthYoVodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashley
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    TellTheTruthYoBedheadBunnyandrewgutin999nataS999favstar1000favsJimmerThatisAllSauertrautsloth_saver______
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    "Dryer, why do you have a Less dry setting? That's the washers job!... These jokes go over great with the vacuum cleaner." ...so alone.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    GrnjellomarmuzellafuzzlimejiggynyeVodkaShorebirdviadearsamtschil8rnwhite8
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    marmuzellafuzzlimeVodkaShorebirdPhilNistafavstar1000favscanadasandraPolicyVotemrtruthandsoul
    ManVsPuppet
  • drearydoug
      Dreary Doug @drearydoug

    Just found out I'm not man enough to change the TV at the gym from ESPN to Cartoon Network.

    • 101
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebird8rnwhite8Jenny4ashleyshkeeberwashere__trumpthechumpToxicButTastyradtoria__________HapaKoleaJen
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    PlSSPANTSfavstar1000favsHapaKoleaJenStella1070JimmerThatisAllalexhadzimasitdowninfrontOliveBeerthanks
@drearydoug

@drearydoug

100% stuffing