The problem with Italian food is two days later you're hungry again.

Some days you're the fat kid at school that everybody picks on and some days you're the Twinkie when the fat kid gets home.

I don't want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

She was all WTF and got POd and I was ROFLMAO. That was when our relationship became acronymious.

This baseball game is so good I'm thinking about sex just to make it last longer.

If you ever find yourself, for whatever reason, about to perform a google image search for a manhole, don't.

As I lay here awake at 6:30 am, it strikes me that an erection like this is nature's way of keeping me from rolling out of bed in my sleep.

The best thing about day five of less than four hours of sleep is my leprechaun entourage.

Anyone using packing tape in the vicinity of someone trying to concentrate should be packed up and mailed to Fuckoffistan.

It's only gay if balls touch your chin.

Halloween this year was way better than last year. I pared back from drinking and passing out candy to just drinking and passing out.

The toddler's get up early superpower has reached it's zenith today.

There are so many things to worry about other than saying something stupid. And yet here I am.

Just once I'd like to go to the dentist and feel a small tit in my mouth.

My favourite iPhone app is this one that plays the sound of an eagle screaming. It makes coming out of the bathroom much more triumphant.

I'm getting a bit of a buzz from all these mints I'm eating. It took four packs to mask the scotch.

I'm looking out the window at the cold November rain and thinking somebody should write a song about it.

When the chaos around here gets too much I sneak off to the bathroom for a little piss and quiet.

My gay barista didn't find it amusing when I asked for a homogeneous solution. Well, latté da.

Be right back. I'm going to go toilet paper the house that gave my son a freakin can of ginger ale.