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I'm getting a butler so I can say cool things like "I'll take my steak biscuit on the toilet today."
Holy cow, the valley is stupid pretty. Way to go, Nova Scotia.
It's always flattering when a driver slows down to watch me pick up dog crap.
Saw Star Trek Into Darkness, and enjoyed every minute of it. Didn’t love the first one, but this felt like Star Trek at last. Abrams got it.
I just sneezed so hard the Kleenex split in half. Next time I will try a phone book.
I'm sure that this cat means well but there are the worst chest compressions I've ever received.
If you don't buy Kraft Singles by the 4 lb box then maybe America isn't right for you.
We all have our crosses to grind.
Sometimes when I transplant plants I pretend I am transplanting hearts. And then I pretend my mother is proud of her son, the doctor.
Saved by the Bell on mute with Quadrophenia playing on stereo makes for a surreal high school musical.
Getting over a crush 101: Get to know them.
My favourite thing about twitter is that it allows stupid people everywhere to show the whole world how stupid they are.
It's better to have loved and lost than to have unexpectedly got some of your genitals caught in a machine that you don't know how to work.
A black & white photo of me, shirtless, holding a baby.
(lol jk it's a burrito)
If you beat up a mime, no one can tell it's not part of the act.
You scratch my back I'll scratch your name off my shit list.
I'm still talking about the Babe Ruth moment I had during a game of bar darts 7 years ago. Eat your heart out, Springsteen.
A man and woman headbutt each other while trying to take their clothes off, then do a grownup dance and THAT'S where babies come from.
Welcome. Sometimes the content is mature. Same goes for the writer.