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My sister, @katelyntarver's, single Weekend Millionaires dropped today and its siiiick! Listen here https://soundcloud.com/katelyntarver/weekend-millionaires/s-ZtjaQ#t=0:00 …
Think the dogs across the street are getting a divorce. Heard them barking late last night, and there was a Uhaul there this morning. So sad
My mom just put forefathers in air quotes. Here we go.
Two years ago I started recording all my Uber rides with friends. I made it into a podcast.
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/thanks-for-the-ride/id1135257314?mt=2 … pic.twitter.com/QekR9qyKmn
Just told my gay friend to go straight. He got really angry and told me it's not that easy. I was just telling him directions.
It's just a matter of time before Honey Boo Boo Child says something SUPER racist.
Opposite of ROFL=SUU (Standing Upright Unamused) BRB =NL (Never left) WTF=UBT (Unaffected by that) TTYL = LNTA (Lets not talk anymore)
Accidentally took my New Year's resolution list to the grocery store. Can't find the isle that has "Stop eating so much Krispy Kreme."
Today on MTV: "My Super Sweet 16" followed by "When I Was 17." Can't believe they turned down the show I pitched. "Thank God She Was 18"
Apparently a curtsey is not acceptable payment at trader joes!
They say you are what you eat. That's funny, I don't remember eating an unemployed idiot with no discernible skills.
Heat went out in my apt. Accidentally texted my landlord "My heart is broken." He texted, "Get back out there, you have a lot to offer."
A whale was found dead on the California coast today. A bystander overheard the whale's last words: "I wanna be where the people are."
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