Ummm breakfast mother fuckers. I gotta remind you every week?

Trying to find a filter to make this egg on my shorts look like jiz. What are you up to?

Don't mess up good sex with stupid questions like, "Can I see you again?"

Positive Polly can suck my dick.

I just tried to swipe my work badge to walk in the back door of my house. #longday

I hate the kind of sex that you use crab medicine "just in case"

My breakfast isn't going to cook its self. Ass holes.

Songs for ringtones... what was that about? & don't answer that I'm just glad it's over.

Nothing says unfuckable like food pics followed by workout stats..... Donna.

Just blew coffee out of my nose. Great start to my day off. #goodhit

The amount of times I've seen Magic Mike should say something to me, but it doesn't.

I love any reason to wear this hoodie. Cold air haters. pic.twitter.com/XnvfXTe0jK

New hot water heater in! Corn chip nick name out!

Everybody post stats from a two mile run & then calls in sick right? No? Just me? Good talk.

I am such a raging ass hole. I cooked the last egg in the house and ate it. My kids get up smelling cooked breakfast food. Sorry yea, no.

Two hour road trip. Three kids. I'm the punch line.

I'm so lazy the cat has to pet-er-bate against my foot for some love.

I've decided to mind my own business today. Maybe you should fucking try it.

My brother asked me who won the race yesterday. Shows how close we r by my reply of, I'm glad I don't know a thing about the race yesterday.

Hey you insomnia whiners. Set your alarm for 4:30 to go jogging. Pussies.