BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this

the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying

THE COP GROWLS "TAKE OFF TH OSE JEANS, CITIZEN." I COMPLY, REVEALING THE FULL LENGTH DENIM TATTOOS ON BOTH LEGS. THE COP SCREAMS; DEFEATED

icant come to work today.. on account of JERRY DUTY *SHoves every seinfeld disk into dvd player at once*

"Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,

how come a baby born with a foot in its brain is considered a "Miracle Baby" but when I get my dick stuck in a drawer im just some asshole

"FEAR IS USED 2 ENSLAVE THE MASSES," I SAID AS I RIPPED THE FUCKIN DECORATIVE CARDBOARD SKELETON OFF OF THE COMMUNITY CENTERS BULLETIN BOARD

did i jsut piss myself? no . these are mood jeans that change color when i am sick of putting up with jokers such as your self

another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

oh nothin, i was just buying some ear medication for my sick uncle... *LOWERS SHADES TO LOOK YOU DEAD IN THE EYE* who's a Model by the way,

"jail isnt real," i assure myself as i close my eyes and ram the hallmark gift shop with my shitty bronco

i have no idea how that turd got on your ceiling, but it definitely didn't fly out of my shorts while iwas doing a backflip

see this watch? i got it by Crying. my car? crying. my beautiful wife? Crying. My perfect teeth? Crying. now get the fuck out of my office

who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. show yourself, coward. i will never log off

LISTEN UP NERD, THE WEIGHTS WITH HIEROGLYPHS ON THEM ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO LIFT UNLESS YOU POSSESS THE CORRESPONDING RUNESTONE, THIS IS HELL GYM

what happens when kirby swallows the qur'an and is granted its considerable power. my 81 chapter fanfic explores this issue -- and more

IF THE ZOO BANS ME FOR HOLLERING AT THE ANIMALS I WILL FACE GOD AND WALK BACKWARDS INTO HELL

review: koala kare diaper station with the fuckin bear on it. awful. sorry im not some size 0 model who can use this without it snapping off

"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit