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if your grave doesnt say "rest in peace" on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
big bird was obviously just a man in a suit. but the other ones were too small to contain men. so what the fuck
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
fuck "jokes". everything i tweet is real. raw insight without the horse shit. no, i will NOT follow trolls. twitter dot com. i live for this
the doctor reveals my blood pressure is 420 over 69. i hoot & holler outta the building while a bunch of losers try to tell me that im dying
awfully bold of you to fly the Good Year blimp on a year that has been extremely bad thus far
The reason the "Cars" movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don't get that with real life cars
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
"This Whole Thing Smacks Of Gender," i holler as i overturn my uncle's barbeque grill and turn the 4th of July into the 4th of Shit
"Is Wario A Libertarian" - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate,
AS THE GUILLOTINE SLIDES TOWARDS MY NECK, I PRODUCE A TINY BARBELL I'VE BEEN HIDING IN MY MOUTH AND LIFT IT WITH MY TONGUE. ONE LAST REP
i call evbery four-legged animal I see a dog and I am correct more often than not so I will never stop
i get dozens of compliments about my perfect ears every day. it's llike Shut the fuck up. Im trying to eat a bagel in my car and you do this
nerd with lame attitude: North Korea is bad
Me: Have you ever lived there.
nerd: (his glasses fall off)
Me: Catch you later
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
two men emerge from sensory deprivation tanks
"I just attained oneness with all living beings"
"I just fucked the Girl rabbit from SpaceJam"
a "keg" is teenspeak for a large barrel of the vile drug known as "Beer". they can be as tall as 12 ft and are often used to crush policemen
donald trump has no time to fuck. he looks at his watch and says "i could not possibly fuck at this juncture." as he powerwalks into the zoo
bring me your dead pet and i will make a sword out of it for $39
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